Its been a year and a half since i have spoken to my mother. I've moved on with my life to some extent. I still kept a worried eye on her, particularly since older sis has become more distant from us. I knew she was in hospital but I also knew that just as I had gone non contact with her, she had made no effort to mend bridges with me. At the time that had been hard even though I knew my decision was right, i guess i thought she might love me enough to fight for me. But i was wrong.
Anyway Saturday night I was sitting on the couch playing computer games ( yes i have no life), when my phone goes. Its a number I don't recognise but i answer it fully prepared to tell someone either that they have the wrong number of i am not interested in what they are selling but its not some random stranger, its her!
"J" she says "Its been a year and a half since we talked and i have left it for a long time but i want to fix things". she continues on this vein saying things like, I still love you and we all did things we regret and i just want us to move on. She also says she is still in the hospital but on day release. She also said she had depression (please note: not bi polar) and that it was an illness.
I try to get a word in edgeways but its really hard. It was never about me not loving her. It was about her behaviour. She needs to accept that she was in the wrong and she said and did and understand why. She also needs to accept that yes she has a mental illness but that is not an excuse and she needs to take responsibility.
When the twin went non contact it was after a period of verbal abusive and some very hateful accusations from the mother. But at that point whilst i accepted the twin's decision I stuck by her. Through the frequent trips to hospital when she was convinced she had a physical illness and not a mental one, Through the period where she only called when she wanted something but never once asked about me, through the period she was convinced she had an infectious disease and ms, through the period when she said she loved my da, or hated him, when she couldn't understand why I wouldn't do anything for here, even though I was struggling with my own mental health. But when i was at work and on the phone with her for over an hour whilst she talked about ending her life and how i could help her, i reached breaking point.
I never said anything hurtful or horrible, I just said I couldn't cope anymore and needed a break. The nly thing i regret is not having a mother who was there and yes i do miss her.
But her converstation was to the point that we had all made mistakes ( i.e. everyone else and not her) and we needed to move on (sweep the past under the carpet). She couldn't or wouldn't understand that she had to be able to say and accept what she did wrong and understand why it was wrong and move on from there. I ended up hanging up on her in tears.
She has to understand I am not her carer, her nurse, her personal shopper, her buddy, her maid, her slave or an extension of her. I am her daughter and dserve to be treated like one.
The only reasons why I think she phoned are either, she is getting permanetly released from hospital but only if she has a care network in place, or Sunday was father's day and she wanted to ruin that (she does have form for that, my 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays, my graduation, my grandfathers funeral, I could go on)
She said that she didn't call at Christmas as that was a special time and a bit twee. But why did she phone at all and why my phone. If she really wanted to make up with both me and the twin, she would have phoned the housephone but she knew i am a bit for easy to manipulate that the twin,. The twin would have hung up on her.
So now we are back to looking over our shoulders in case she appears, or does something. A year and a half and i feel like its back to square one. Just once i would like for something to go right
