Is that wrong, am I such a bad daughter. So much has happened over the last week that I'm relieved that i don't have to deal with mum on top of it.
I have had this cold since the new year, which turned into a lost voice (three days), conjuctivitis and sinusitis. Took the anti biotics and got better but still have a cough which i couldn't get rid off. So I coughed so hard I brusied my ribs and ended up in the outpatients on Sunday night. They can't do anything and I just have to suffer but everytime I cough it gets worse.
Meanwhile, car failed MOT, so shelled out load of cash and got new exhaust and breaks. next day won't start and turns out altenator belt and battery is shot (which wasn't picked up in the MOT!), so more money for car. Gears very crunchy too and then on the weekend they stick. Monday Morning driving to work clutch gives up the ghost and i hold up traffic on starbank rd, till i get pushed to the side and RAC comes. Going to need a new clutch apparently.
All the while big sister is causing father heartache, refusing to let neice and newphew go with him to Disney even though he already paid, cutting off all contact with him so he can't see littlest neice, and blaming me and twin for not telling her anything. Father has done nothing wrong, Sister just being over recationary. Yes Dad was bad when we were young, but you want to see a bad parent look in the mirror big sister. Who left her kids to care for themselves cause she was too drunk hmmmmm, who abandoned her kids so she could go to dundee, hmmmmm,. Pot and Kettle is all i'm saying
And all I can think is at least I don't have to deal with the Mother and her feelings, cause lets face it, it would be all about her. I almost didn't reply to the text asking if i was alright cause of my facebook status, but as I have and she hasn't responded phew! or am I tempting fate.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Thursday, 24 January 2013
I'm not sure what to do
Its been two weeks since I talked to my mother last and asked for a break, and I'm still contemplating how to tell her I don't want a relationship with her any more. In that time my big sister has made every attempt to alienate her father from his grandchildren, including forbidding him from taking them to Florida despite the fact that their Dad said it was ok and he had already paid. She can't let go of the past when he was not the greatest dad (ok he was a monster, sorry Da) and she is rewriting history to prevent him seeing the kids. she seems to forget that he was the one that stood by her when she was drinking and went out of the way to help her keep contact with the kids. he even stood by her when she almost lost custody of the youngest after she fell off the wagon again.
He is devestated and i can't believe she has done this. During all this she got into a fight with me and the twin, accusing us of keeping secrets and trying to divide the family and i can't help but feel she was influenced by mummy fearest. I can't accuse Mum of this but it just makes it harder.
On Monday night I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor crying. And before that when elder sis was fighting with us, twin ended up in tears and she just doesn't cry ever!
So now I'm faced with how to tell mum that i don't want to see her again (probably in writing) and the issues that may cause. To pinch a couple of lines from my twin, this is what i want to say
Mother, after thinking this over for some time and I have reached a very difficult decision. I want you to understand why I feel we can’t have a relationship anymore.
He is devestated and i can't believe she has done this. During all this she got into a fight with me and the twin, accusing us of keeping secrets and trying to divide the family and i can't help but feel she was influenced by mummy fearest. I can't accuse Mum of this but it just makes it harder.
On Monday night I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor crying. And before that when elder sis was fighting with us, twin ended up in tears and she just doesn't cry ever!
So now I'm faced with how to tell mum that i don't want to see her again (probably in writing) and the issues that may cause. To pinch a couple of lines from my twin, this is what i want to say
Mother, after thinking this over for some time and I have reached a very difficult decision. I want you to understand why I feel we can’t have a relationship anymore.
You have always said that you are a good mother and you raised us the best way that you could and I have some very happy memories growing up but for some time now they have been overshadowed by the bad things that have happened in recent years and the over reliance that you have had on me.
I' m not going to blame you for everything that has gone wrong in my life, that just wouldn't be fair but i need you to understand, what effect that your actions have had on others.
Firstly I want you to understand that you do have a mental illness. This is not something to lable you with but a fact of your life. Years of evidence shows you definetly have depression, from the weekends you hid in your room when we were young, to not being able to get a job because you just couldn't leave your house. You may also be bipolar or have a similar evidence and again your behaviour over the years would justify this, from my 21st birthday when you held court with your friends and we hid in the kitchen, to the night you threw me out and your shoplifting here and abroad. Whether you seek help is your decision but the first step is acceptance.
But its not this that has lead me to take this decision. We have all had our share of health issues, eldest sister is a recovering alcholic, twin has crippling arthritis and i suffer from depression too. Mental health issues should never be an excuse for a decision.
The reasons i cannot see you any more are your over dependance on me to solve all your problems, the lies you have spread, the way you rewrite history, your blatent favourtism, your inability to keep my personal information secret and finally that you asked me to choose between you and my twin sister, which is something up until now I would never considered.
What has particularly hurt me is the fact that you have told various family members that I am the one with issues, when all I did was show concern for your health. And that you have made a number of attempts to split up the family and divide us from our father.
Yes, dad was an awful father when we where young and he probably should have never gotten married, but he has worked through a lot of stuff and has improved. it breaks my heart and his that you and big sister just don't see this.
But thinking back on those times, the question I keep asking myself was 'where were you?'. When Dad shouted and scared us for no reason, where were you?, When he lashed out, where were you? and when we got blamed for something we didn't do, where were you? I have no memory of you defending us kids at all.
I'm willing to let that slide but its been in my adult years when I can honestly say my realtionship with you has deteroriated. From when I was 18 onwards, your constant demands for attention and dependancy on me to run aspects of your life, be your cook, cleaner, bottle washer, agony aunt, financial advisor, personal shopper and chemist have become intolerable. Yes I should have stopped this sooner but you are my mother and I do love you. But its got to the stage when I dread picking up the phone.
Do you know, you never call or see us unless you want something, the converstation always revolves around your needs, unless you want to make one of us unhappy and you barely ask after us. Even when you do, you gloss over anything we say and turn things back to you. Unless you want to talk abour big sister, the golden child who apparently is everything we are not, even with everything that has happened.
Mum, I'm 36 years old, i can't commit to a relationshiip, I barely communicate with men, I desperately want kids but can't bear to be touched and I'm unhappy. Maybe breaking the realtionship with you won't change that, but at least then I can concentrate on my life instead of worrying about yours. That may be selfish but I feel its the only way.
Goodbye
Thursday, 10 January 2013
you are a toxic parent
I have a sinus infection, the cough of death, very little voice and keep coughing up a toxic substance, but that isn't the worst thing in my life.
two days ago after I asked the mother for space, I got another text 3 hours later.
"last text and then I will give you as much space as you want. As Twin told me to leave you both alone I assumed perhaps wrongly that she and you had talked and that it was a joint decision. All I have done was try and get help when I was sick with a temp that was causing hallucinations (are you sure it was the temp mum) For obvious reasons this scared me but the doc reassured me that it was normal in the circumstances and told me to take more para which I have done, my temp is lower but i still feel very ill and am just waiting up til I get my tablets before going back to bed. I thought that once the doc spoke to you things would improve, important sorry if i confused you with Twin. You must decide what you want , am i is to contact you again and if not is it because you need space or like twin have decided you no longer want contact at all. I will do what ever you want not because I want to but because you ask me"
My response was that twin was being really supportive telling me that it was between her and mum and that I shouldn't take sides but keep contact. But that mum was insisting I pick. And i asked her agin to give me space which she agreed to. That space lasted a total of one hour and then
"Your dad has denied saying or implying that I harassed him at the weekend and knows nothing of my supposed texts to Dad's Girlfriend which I still have. She texted thanks for Nieces presents and i told her that i hoped they all had a very happy Christmas. I said I had to cancel Nanny's visit amongst others as I was ill. She replied with good wishes for my recovery and spoke of the kids enjoying the presents. That was all! I assumed dad told you this but he says no. If not him it can only be dad's girlfriend, whoever did is lying and clearly has an agenda of their own. (last sentence makes no sense) Important detested by a"
My response was simply that I asked for space so why did you send me this
"sorry meant devastated by this! I have proven that I am physically ill and I totally deny the allegations, now you have has much space as you need"
I told her I had never accused her of anything, just asked for space, so she didn't need to justify herself to me so now I was really confused"
her response to that was take all the space I need.
Now I happen to know from Dad directly that she demanded to see the grand kids and that she wouldn't initially speak to him on the phone. I also know that he hung up on her at least twice because she wasn't making sense. The girlfriend also told us directly that the messages to the kids were weird and she couldn't let them see them.
Now dad isn't perfect. Growing up he was as toxic as mum is with the really aggressive temper and he almost lost all three of us because of that. His relationship with elder sister is still very fraught. But he realised what he did and tried to change. He's far from perfect but honesty was never the issue with him and i trust what he says. Mother on the other hand is proven to lie and bend the truth to suit herself.
And now I'm thinking that enough space would be 100 years or 10000 miles. She may have been physically ill, but that doesn't account for her mood changes, accusations and lies. How can I have a relationship with her until she seeks help for her dependency and mental health issues? And why do I still feel like the guilty one
two days ago after I asked the mother for space, I got another text 3 hours later.
"last text and then I will give you as much space as you want. As Twin told me to leave you both alone I assumed perhaps wrongly that she and you had talked and that it was a joint decision. All I have done was try and get help when I was sick with a temp that was causing hallucinations (are you sure it was the temp mum) For obvious reasons this scared me but the doc reassured me that it was normal in the circumstances and told me to take more para which I have done, my temp is lower but i still feel very ill and am just waiting up til I get my tablets before going back to bed. I thought that once the doc spoke to you things would improve, important sorry if i confused you with Twin. You must decide what you want , am i is to contact you again and if not is it because you need space or like twin have decided you no longer want contact at all. I will do what ever you want not because I want to but because you ask me"
My response was that twin was being really supportive telling me that it was between her and mum and that I shouldn't take sides but keep contact. But that mum was insisting I pick. And i asked her agin to give me space which she agreed to. That space lasted a total of one hour and then
"Your dad has denied saying or implying that I harassed him at the weekend and knows nothing of my supposed texts to Dad's Girlfriend which I still have. She texted thanks for Nieces presents and i told her that i hoped they all had a very happy Christmas. I said I had to cancel Nanny's visit amongst others as I was ill. She replied with good wishes for my recovery and spoke of the kids enjoying the presents. That was all! I assumed dad told you this but he says no. If not him it can only be dad's girlfriend, whoever did is lying and clearly has an agenda of their own. (last sentence makes no sense) Important detested by a"
My response was simply that I asked for space so why did you send me this
"sorry meant devastated by this! I have proven that I am physically ill and I totally deny the allegations, now you have has much space as you need"
I told her I had never accused her of anything, just asked for space, so she didn't need to justify herself to me so now I was really confused"
her response to that was take all the space I need.
Now I happen to know from Dad directly that she demanded to see the grand kids and that she wouldn't initially speak to him on the phone. I also know that he hung up on her at least twice because she wasn't making sense. The girlfriend also told us directly that the messages to the kids were weird and she couldn't let them see them.
Now dad isn't perfect. Growing up he was as toxic as mum is with the really aggressive temper and he almost lost all three of us because of that. His relationship with elder sister is still very fraught. But he realised what he did and tried to change. He's far from perfect but honesty was never the issue with him and i trust what he says. Mother on the other hand is proven to lie and bend the truth to suit herself.
And now I'm thinking that enough space would be 100 years or 10000 miles. She may have been physically ill, but that doesn't account for her mood changes, accusations and lies. How can I have a relationship with her until she seeks help for her dependency and mental health issues? And why do I still feel like the guilty one
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
I really can't talk to you
No really, i've actually lost my voice and haven't been able to talk to anyone in two days. Despite this I still went to work as new sickness policy is very harsh. Lots of miming and emails and notes being waved.
So when I was at the Housing managers Team Meeting / 1:1 apparently my phone went of twice, both times it was mother upset and demanding to speak to me. Beloved Deputy who has enough shit to put up without my family, foolishly answered my mobile and called Twin. Mother then phoned twin and gave her the full show. Twin asked for more details and mother hung up. Twin called her back, got no response. Twin eventually texted and basically told mum she didn't believe it was all physical and there would be some mental issues and she needed to calm down.
So I text mum on the side being all impartial and ask whats wrong, apologising for the text as i can't speak and then coughed up something vile. At lunch, remembering that i can't talk, get a call from mum's mobile. Answer and in my strongest whisper say 'Hello' Mum passes me to some random clearly uncomfortable doctor who says she has a kidney infection and he is giving her antibotics. I whisper my thanks and he passes the phone back to Mum. She says nothing but i hear her shouting at the doctor that she shouldn't have to do that whilst hanging up the phone.
So i update the twin, my voice which was gradually coming back now completely disapeared by the end of that call. I then text mum and say
"Mum thank you for getting the doctors to call me. i've let Twin know. I don't know why he called though. all i asked was what was wrong. if you have an issue with twin speak to her. sorry for the text but as you heard i have little or no voice"
Response "The doc has gone, he left me a prescription for amoxicillan. i should not have to ask a doctor to confirm that i am physically ill. i would not have called either of you but i have a very high temp and felt very ill indeed. twin said that i harrased your dad on Saturday. we spoke am when he said he woul bring them down pm. i thanked him and asked if i could speak to them. he said yes and after speaking to them I again thanked him. When they came down I immediately gave him tea and biscuits and tried to chat to him as well as the kids but he was withdrawn and unresponsive. when the kids were distracted by speaking to big sister i asked if he was ok. he said he wasn't feeling great. i have only seen him behave like that once before which was a few months after we moved to Scotland. He was missing life in Belfast and wasn't sure he had made the right decision, moving us here. there is obviously something bothering him. I think him and KBig sister may have had words xxx"
I told her thats not what I heard but not getting invoved. I actually heard from da and his girl friend that Mum had phoned at eight and woken up the whole house but would not speak to Da and then insisted later that he brought the kids round as they were only there to see her and then taked a load of nonsense at him and the kids. he said he hung up on her twice. he said she didn't look ill.
Anyway my nuetral ground lead to the following text and yes its a long one.
"I just read your text. important sorry but i got a sticker of a text from Twin not long before the Doctor came insisting once again that I was mentally ill and that my previous bug was non exisitent and that i was making up this illness too when I really needed help for my obvious mental illness. This doc didn't know me from Adam but he had read my notes and said that the infection hadn't responded to the trimethoprim so he was giving me amoxicillan to try and clear it. He refused at first to talk to you saying that this was not his role to get involved in family disputes. I told him that Dr Yu had spoken to big sister and he then agreed to tell you what i had been treated for. I done this twice now and important never doing anything so humiliating again. I want you and twin and big sister to believe me but if anyone doesn't then tears too bad. I have had one physical illness after another this winter and everything I have said about it is true. I've just been according to the doctor unlucky. Please forward my texts to twin as i have to try and figure out how to get antibotics xxx ps important really sorry you are ill have you got an appointment with doctors?"
My response was that I had been forwarding her texts an I was going to the drop in surgery the next day.
Kept twin up to date who suggested I again say i wasn't taking sides and to take things up with twin. she has been really supportive with me continuing contact with mum this whole time, even if she doesn't want to herself.
Next message from mother
"I have stuck to our agreement with Big sister, Do you and twin want to continue with this? I only ask because twin is no good at faking it as suggested by big sister. I know that you first loyalty is to twin so I need to know how things stand. twin made it clear in harrased text that i was to leave you both alone. I am really upset. To have been ill so much and feel as physically bad as i do at present is hard enough without being scared to contact my daughters."
My response "How am I supposed to answer this. I'm trying to remain neutral and feel like I am getting pulled in 20 directions at once. I don't know. Give me some time please "
So what do i do now, what do i do
So when I was at the Housing managers Team Meeting / 1:1 apparently my phone went of twice, both times it was mother upset and demanding to speak to me. Beloved Deputy who has enough shit to put up without my family, foolishly answered my mobile and called Twin. Mother then phoned twin and gave her the full show. Twin asked for more details and mother hung up. Twin called her back, got no response. Twin eventually texted and basically told mum she didn't believe it was all physical and there would be some mental issues and she needed to calm down.
So I text mum on the side being all impartial and ask whats wrong, apologising for the text as i can't speak and then coughed up something vile. At lunch, remembering that i can't talk, get a call from mum's mobile. Answer and in my strongest whisper say 'Hello' Mum passes me to some random clearly uncomfortable doctor who says she has a kidney infection and he is giving her antibotics. I whisper my thanks and he passes the phone back to Mum. She says nothing but i hear her shouting at the doctor that she shouldn't have to do that whilst hanging up the phone.
So i update the twin, my voice which was gradually coming back now completely disapeared by the end of that call. I then text mum and say
"Mum thank you for getting the doctors to call me. i've let Twin know. I don't know why he called though. all i asked was what was wrong. if you have an issue with twin speak to her. sorry for the text but as you heard i have little or no voice"
Response "The doc has gone, he left me a prescription for amoxicillan. i should not have to ask a doctor to confirm that i am physically ill. i would not have called either of you but i have a very high temp and felt very ill indeed. twin said that i harrased your dad on Saturday. we spoke am when he said he woul bring them down pm. i thanked him and asked if i could speak to them. he said yes and after speaking to them I again thanked him. When they came down I immediately gave him tea and biscuits and tried to chat to him as well as the kids but he was withdrawn and unresponsive. when the kids were distracted by speaking to big sister i asked if he was ok. he said he wasn't feeling great. i have only seen him behave like that once before which was a few months after we moved to Scotland. He was missing life in Belfast and wasn't sure he had made the right decision, moving us here. there is obviously something bothering him. I think him and KBig sister may have had words xxx"
I told her thats not what I heard but not getting invoved. I actually heard from da and his girl friend that Mum had phoned at eight and woken up the whole house but would not speak to Da and then insisted later that he brought the kids round as they were only there to see her and then taked a load of nonsense at him and the kids. he said he hung up on her twice. he said she didn't look ill.
Anyway my nuetral ground lead to the following text and yes its a long one.
"I just read your text. important sorry but i got a sticker of a text from Twin not long before the Doctor came insisting once again that I was mentally ill and that my previous bug was non exisitent and that i was making up this illness too when I really needed help for my obvious mental illness. This doc didn't know me from Adam but he had read my notes and said that the infection hadn't responded to the trimethoprim so he was giving me amoxicillan to try and clear it. He refused at first to talk to you saying that this was not his role to get involved in family disputes. I told him that Dr Yu had spoken to big sister and he then agreed to tell you what i had been treated for. I done this twice now and important never doing anything so humiliating again. I want you and twin and big sister to believe me but if anyone doesn't then tears too bad. I have had one physical illness after another this winter and everything I have said about it is true. I've just been according to the doctor unlucky. Please forward my texts to twin as i have to try and figure out how to get antibotics xxx ps important really sorry you are ill have you got an appointment with doctors?"
My response was that I had been forwarding her texts an I was going to the drop in surgery the next day.
Kept twin up to date who suggested I again say i wasn't taking sides and to take things up with twin. she has been really supportive with me continuing contact with mum this whole time, even if she doesn't want to herself.
Next message from mother
"I have stuck to our agreement with Big sister, Do you and twin want to continue with this? I only ask because twin is no good at faking it as suggested by big sister. I know that you first loyalty is to twin so I need to know how things stand. twin made it clear in harrased text that i was to leave you both alone. I am really upset. To have been ill so much and feel as physically bad as i do at present is hard enough without being scared to contact my daughters."
My response "How am I supposed to answer this. I'm trying to remain neutral and feel like I am getting pulled in 20 directions at once. I don't know. Give me some time please "
So what do i do now, what do i do
Friday, 4 January 2013
I don't believe your ill
My mother has finally got over the winter vomiting bug apparently. Hooray I hear you cry. But wait its only because she now has a urinary tract infection. She phoned up at 2pm today which should have been the first warning sign as we have only be communicating via text. I made the twin pick it up even though she was eating lunch.
She gets mum in full dramatic glory. " Hello Twin", pause for effect.... Bursts into tears. Explains about urinary tract infection and that she has been in so much pain the last two days. Doctor has been and left a prescription and can we please pick it up... Twin agrees reluctantly just to get her off the phone. But sets conditions. She's to leave it on the hall table and not come out as both twin and I have bad colds and don't want to risk her (or our) health. What you have the cold she says, yes says twin and Jeniflower too. Yes says twin.
So twin gets off phone and explains.
So when I texted her yesterday and she said she was much better and not in pain, was that a lie then?
If the doctor was out and knew she couldn't leave the house why didn't he get the prescription sent to the chemist who deliver? Or did she just say her daughters would do it knowing full well we had said before we are not her servants?
Given that I have told her three times about the cold, including yesterday when my exact text began "texting you between sneezes and twins coughing fits" how could she not know we were ill?
And finally when twin phoned back 20 minutes later to say we were on our way, why did she not seem upset at all, given her state not 20 minutes prior?
Hmmmmm, Mother dear I think you may be bending the truth slightly.....
She gets mum in full dramatic glory. " Hello Twin", pause for effect.... Bursts into tears. Explains about urinary tract infection and that she has been in so much pain the last two days. Doctor has been and left a prescription and can we please pick it up... Twin agrees reluctantly just to get her off the phone. But sets conditions. She's to leave it on the hall table and not come out as both twin and I have bad colds and don't want to risk her (or our) health. What you have the cold she says, yes says twin and Jeniflower too. Yes says twin.
So twin gets off phone and explains.
So when I texted her yesterday and she said she was much better and not in pain, was that a lie then?
If the doctor was out and knew she couldn't leave the house why didn't he get the prescription sent to the chemist who deliver? Or did she just say her daughters would do it knowing full well we had said before we are not her servants?
Given that I have told her three times about the cold, including yesterday when my exact text began "texting you between sneezes and twins coughing fits" how could she not know we were ill?
And finally when twin phoned back 20 minutes later to say we were on our way, why did she not seem upset at all, given her state not 20 minutes prior?
Hmmmmm, Mother dear I think you may be bending the truth slightly.....
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