I'm not sure what to do

Its been two weeks since I talked to my mother last and asked for a break, and I'm still contemplating how to tell her I don't want a relationship with her any more.  In that time my big sister has made every attempt to alienate her father from his grandchildren, including forbidding him from taking them to Florida despite the fact that their Dad said it was ok and he had already paid.  She can't let go of the past when he was not the greatest dad (ok he was a monster, sorry Da) and she is rewriting history to prevent him seeing the kids.  she seems to forget that he was the one that stood by her when she was drinking and went out of the way to help her keep contact with the kids.  he even stood by her when she almost lost custody of the youngest after she fell off the wagon again. 

He is devestated and i can't believe she has done this.  During all this she got into a fight with me and the twin, accusing us of keeping secrets and trying to divide the family and i can't help but feel she was influenced by mummy fearest.  I can't accuse Mum of this but it just makes it harder.

On Monday night I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor crying. And before that when elder sis was fighting with us, twin ended up in tears and she just doesn't cry  ever!

So now I'm faced with how to tell mum that i don't want to see her again  (probably in writing) and the issues that may cause.  To pinch a couple of lines from my twin, this is what i want to say

Mother, after thinking this over  for some time and I have reached a very difficult decision.  I want you to understand why I feel we can’t have a relationship anymore.

You have always said that you are a good mother and you raised us the best way that you could and I have some very happy memories growing up but for some time now they have been overshadowed by the bad things that have happened in recent years and the over reliance that you have had on me.

 

I' m not going to blame you for everything that has gone wrong in my life, that just wouldn't be fair but i need you to understand, what effect that your actions have had on others.

 

Firstly I want you to understand that you do have a mental illness.  This is not something to lable you with but a fact of your life.  Years of evidence shows you definetly have depression, from the weekends you hid in your room when we were young, to not being able to get a job because you just couldn't leave your house.  You may also be bipolar or have a similar evidence and again your behaviour over the years would justify this, from my 21st birthday when you held court with your friends and we hid in the kitchen, to the night you threw me out and your shoplifting here and abroad.  Whether you seek help is your decision but the first step is acceptance.

 

But its not this that has lead me to take this decision.  We have all had our share of health issues, eldest sister is a recovering alcholic, twin has crippling arthritis and i suffer from depression too.  Mental health issues should never be an excuse for a decision.

 

The reasons i cannot see you any more are your over dependance on me to solve all your problems, the lies you have spread, the way you rewrite history, your blatent favourtism, your inability to keep my personal information secret and finally that you asked me to choose between you and my twin sister, which is something up until now I would never considered.

 

What has particularly hurt me is the fact that you have told various family members that I am the one with issues, when all I did was show concern for your health. And that you have made a number of attempts to split up the family and divide us from our father.

 

Yes, dad was an awful father when we where young and he probably should have never gotten married, but he has worked through a lot of stuff and has improved.  it breaks my heart and his that you and big sister just don't see this.

 

But thinking back on those times, the question I keep asking myself was 'where were you?'.  When Dad shouted and scared us for no reason, where were you?,  When he lashed out, where were you? and when we got blamed for something we didn't do, where were you?  I have no memory of you defending us kids at all.

 

I'm willing to let that slide but its been in my adult years when I can honestly say my realtionship with you has deteroriated.  From when I was 18 onwards, your constant demands for attention and dependancy on me to run aspects of your life, be your cook, cleaner, bottle washer, agony aunt, financial advisor, personal shopper and chemist have become intolerable.  Yes I should have stopped this sooner but you are my mother and I do love you.  But its got to the stage when I dread picking up the phone. 

 

Do you know, you never call or see us unless you want something, the converstation always revolves around your needs, unless you want to make one of us unhappy and you barely ask after us.  Even when you do, you gloss over anything we say and turn things back to you.  Unless you want to talk abour big sister, the golden child who apparently is everything we are not, even with everything that has happened.

 

Mum, I'm 36 years old, i can't commit to a relationshiip, I barely communicate with men, I desperately want kids but can't bear to be touched and I'm unhappy.  Maybe breaking the realtionship with you won't change that, but at least then I can concentrate on my life instead of worrying about yours.  That may be selfish but I feel its the only way.

 

Goodbye