You're back

Its been a year and a half since i have spoken to my mother.  I've moved on with my life to some extent.  I still kept a worried eye on her, particularly since older sis has become more distant from us.  I knew she was in hospital but I also knew that just as I had gone non contact with her, she had made no effort to mend bridges with me.  At the time that had been hard even though I knew my decision was right, i guess i thought she might love me enough to fight for me.  But i was wrong.

Anyway Saturday night I was sitting on the couch playing computer games ( yes i have no life), when my phone goes.  Its a number I don't recognise but i answer it fully prepared to tell someone either that they have the wrong number of i am not interested in what they are selling but its not some random stranger, its her!

"J" she says "Its been a year and a half since we talked and i have left it for a long time but i want to fix things".  she continues on this vein saying things like, I still love you and we all did things we regret and i just want us to move on.  She also says she is still in the hospital but on day release. She also said she had depression (please note: not bi polar) and that it was an illness.

I try to get a word in edgeways but its really hard.  It was never about me not loving her.  It was about her behaviour. She needs to accept that she was in the wrong and she said and did and understand why.  She also needs to accept that yes she has a mental illness but that is not an excuse and she needs to take responsibility.

When the twin went non contact it was after a period of verbal abusive and some very hateful accusations from the mother.  But at that point whilst i accepted the twin's decision I stuck by her.  Through the frequent trips to hospital when she was convinced she had a physical illness and not a mental one, Through the period where she only called when she wanted something but never once asked about me, through the period she was convinced she had an infectious disease and ms,  through the period when she said she loved my da, or hated him, when she couldn't understand why I wouldn't do anything for here, even though I was struggling with my own mental health.  But when i was at work and on the phone with her for over an hour whilst she talked about ending her life and how i could help her, i reached breaking point.

I never said anything hurtful or horrible, I just said I couldn't cope anymore  and needed a break.  The nly thing i regret is not having a mother who was there and yes i do miss her.

But her converstation was to the point that we had all made mistakes ( i.e. everyone else and not her) and we needed to move on (sweep the past under the carpet).  She couldn't or wouldn't understand that she had to be able to say and accept what she did wrong and understand why it was wrong and move on from there.  I ended up hanging up on her in tears.

She has to understand I am not her carer, her nurse, her personal shopper, her buddy, her maid, her slave or an extension of her.  I am her daughter and dserve to be treated like one.

The only reasons why I think she phoned are either, she is getting permanetly released from hospital but only if she has a care network in place, or Sunday was father's day  and she wanted to ruin that (she does have form for that, my 16th, 18th and 21st birthdays, my graduation, my grandfathers funeral, I could go on)

She said that she didn't call at Christmas as that was a special time and a bit twee.  But why did she phone at all and why my phone.  If she really wanted to make up with both me and the twin, she would have phoned the housephone but she knew i am a bit for easy to manipulate that the twin,.  The twin would have hung up on her.

So now we are back to looking over our shoulders in case she appears, or does something.  A year and a half and i feel like its back to square one.  Just once i would like for something to go right

Now we have Big sisters partner getting involved

So I recenyly published my first book on Kindle.  Don't know if its any good but thought i'd give it a try/.  In my acknowldgements page i mentioned all my neices and newphews but by first name only.  i did this because I love them and they are very important to me.  what I didn't do was ask my sister and her partner and ex partner's permission.

Yes i should have but i thought they'd be pleased.  apparently i was wrong.  i've already had an issue because i asked sisters ex if i could have the kids for day this weekend.  Its Neices birthday and i wanted to surprise her.  I made sure that it wasn't big sis' day with them.  But because i forgot to ask their non resident parent i got into deep shit.  thought it was sorted but apparently not.

so yesterday I got an email from Bis Sis Partner lets call him BSP, though i cant think of other things to call him.  it was asking me not to include youingest neice in book.  Fair enough you think, i didn't ask so am at fault.

If email had read something like HI  notice nece's name in acknowldgements, you did't ask permission, we don't want it, please remove it
I'd have been upset but said, sorry removed the name and got on with my life.

However this is the email i got (edited for content)

I note that you have published a novel which is freely available on the XXX website, ordinarily I would congratulate you for that, maybe later I will.

However my current concern is your reference to my daughter on your opening page. You never requested my permission for this and neither did you request Big sisters. You have absolutely no right to place her name there without my express authority. Even if you were to disagree about requiring my permission then here are 2 points for you. 1 I don’t care and 2, its common courtesy to tell the parents of a 3 year old should you intend on using her for any purpose.

I see a commercial element to the way in which neice has been used, you are trying to say something about you own character and thus give your readers insight. To be frank the suggestion of a close relationship with Neice is just factually incorrect. In 3 years you have troubled yourself to see her on 2 occasions.

In all the time I have known Big sis I have been continually baffled by your belligerence to her. Sure she’s an alcoholic and sure she has some very regrettable behaviour. But what exactly gives you the right to treat her the way you do. I remember her telling you she was pregnant with neice and you and your sister’s response to that was hardly one of congratulations. Where are your spiritual qualities, like forgiveness, understanding, humility and empathy? When it comes to Newphew and Big Neice and situations like you butting in next Saturday when thats Big sis’s time with them, then as much as it grates me, I have no option but to stand aside. But, and here is an important point. If you in any way shape or form think that you can show the same attitude when it comes to neice, then think again.

 Maybe I don’t need to say this but I will. If you think I am wrong and you are right, then that’s all I need to know to ensure I am free of regret.

You’ve got a bit of time here,Big Sis  will not be happy that I sent this email. Think it over and draw your own conclusions, but get my daughter’s name removed from your book.

 

So not only don't i love my sister or neice, i'm using them for commerical purposes, and i'm a hateful person who doesn't care for anyone and its probably my fault she's an alcoholic (recoverying very well by the way) who has distanced herself from her whole family.  Oh and by the way i never see my neice.  Every time she came down to see mum or dad when we were still a family i was there.  we stayd together for a week in Belfast.  i send her gifts all the time and if it wasn't that they lived in Dundee they'd be sick of the sight of me by now.

 

My response was I did not do it for commerical reasons, i love my neice, i'm sorry, i'll remove her name from the book, and whats between my sister and me is between my sister and me and not his business.  I also said that i had asked for the other two making sure it wasn't big sis's time so he was bang out of order.

 

he responds with its his business if anyone hurts her  and he was glad he sent me that email

 

I'm very upset about this as you can imagine.  i've been fighting depression because of work (a whole other story) and this pushes me over the edge.  Plus twin has been ill and i'm worried about her.  never mind my dad's recent stroke, my weight gain and everything else. 

 

The worst of it is that I haven't heard from big sis since then.  so i don't know if she agrees, or he did this off his own bat.  Big sis would side with anyone over family and i'm scared i'm going to lose her and my neice.  its hard enough with the limited access we have to the other too.  and i still feel guilty over the mad mother, i don't think i can take much more

you still get to me and its been 8 months

Ok, so in March (ish) last year I went non contact with the dreadful mother.  I held my breath and waiting for the shit to hit the fan and then nothing, absolutely nothing.  Apart from a minor altercation through my grandama when she was visiting the silence was deafing.

Thats ok, i thought, she clearly never loved me anyway.  Oh yes it hurt like hell, she's nuts but i expected her to fight for me somehow, but no nothing.  I had a rocky few months i can tell you.  But i read eveything about narcisitic behaviour and that helped.   Ok and sometimes i hacked into her social media page to check on her. the DM to my cousin (fathers side) was a revelation in insanity anyway. 

So it turns out that narcisists can go one of two ways.  they can either hover around and try to suck you back into the madness or they cut you cold, if you no longer want to play their game.  Guess the mother is the 2nd kind.

Anyway through the elder sister and FB i found out she had bought a static caravanwas staying there (near elder sis) and i assumed everything was fine.   Apart from that she was using a cane and had been telling people she had ms or a brain tumor. 

But in Dec I came home to find the twin waiting.  we had had a phone call from some council alarm service asking us to call them about the mother.  the number they left was incorrect and we couldn't get back to them.  so I phoned the elder one and she said that the mother was down in our town again and that she had been in hospital and was now out.  turns out that she had been doing all the things to eldest that she had previously done to us, making up illnesses, turning up at all hours, accusing her of things etc.  to the point were eldest sent my GM  home and told the mother were to go but remained in contact.  Eldest couldn't handle 6 months of this, some of us have been managing for 15 years.
The docs didn't diagnose mental health apparently just arthritis (similar to what the twin has hmmmmmm)

so quick trip round to check and yes she was there (and no i didn't try and ring the bell).  so a few days panic including another call by council alarms service in which both twin and i told them to take our names off the list and then nothing further.

Christmas passess in silence, awkward visit with eledest not withstanding.  then News years and on the 3rd get a text from eldest.  "Your mother is in the hospital due to be transferred to the mad house this evening.  She took an overdose on Hogmany and then a second one when the Crisis team didn't turn up as expected"

What do you even say to that. followed closely by minor guilt trip to visit which was steadfastly refused.  what eldest didn't say was that overdose was paracetamol and then  other pain killers.  so not a series attempt more of  classic narcistic attempt for attention.  shaken but tried to get on with it.

On Sunday then, the mother's neighbour calls all worried as they haven't seen her in a few days.  this ends up with me in the middle of Asda sorting out access to the mothers flat for sister with neighbour whilst trying not to get involved.  Very upset and of course can't tell the father as thats not allowed apparently. 

so eldest sis has draged partner and youngest child down to sort but doesn't bother to come and see her sisters at any point, instead i get a series of guilt trip texts from her trying to get me to visit mother.  So i/m in tears and feel sick. her post of a website relating to female parents about it didn't help either, apparently we are the bad guys for not sucking it up and dealing with poor sick (bullying narsistic bi polar) mum.  should probably tell her we look at that sight
 great start to the new year and getting a better life.  oh well at least i have something to tell my doctor on Wed.......

why can't you just take some responsibility for your actions

So my Grandmother and Uncle are up for a visit. This is my mothers mother, so obviously we wanted to see her but didn't want to engage with the mother.  I arranged through FB to meet them for lunch at a nice little place near us.  Nanny and Uncle turn up, she looks wonderful, we have a nice meal and everything is going well.  We barely mention the mother but have a really nice time. 

Anyway after the meal Uncle suggests we go outside for pictures.  At this point Nanny grabs the evil twin and asks her why she is being so mean to my mother.  Evil Twin explains that it is not that simple and that Mother has a lot to answer for, but of course mother has poisoned  Nanny's mind.  Evil Twin explains that she said and did some very hurtful things and Nanny says "She doesn't know what she did wrong"  and "but she has apologised".  The thing is that she hasn't though.  Nanny then tells us we are killing our mother and asks if we will be happy when she is dead.

Evil twin can't take anymore and walks away.  Which leaves me trying to explain to my 88 year old grandmother what my mother did and why we had to make this choice.  She won't listen though and I can't make her.  But i stress that mum was very hurtful and she made me ill and that is why we have made this choice.  Nanny ends up in tears and Twin and I are in shock.

I want Nanny to know what really happened but its not something you can do in an hour and i don't want to hurt her.  How do you tell you last surviving Grandparent that their daughter is completely nuts

I knew you'd be back.

On Friday night Evil Twin and I both have prophetic dreams that mum gets in touch and causes us merry hell, stalking us and in mine Grandmother is also pregnant.

So four months non contact and I'm sitting in the phone shop on Saturday trying to sort out an upgrade when I get a texr on my phone.  It was from her.  I almost fell of my stool.  Phrased as if nothing had ever happened.

"Hi jeniflower Your Uncle is bringing up your Grandmother on Thursday and they are staying a while.  he will be chauffeuring her around as I can't drive.  They would like to see you perhaps on Saturday.  Contact me so that we can arrange something"

OMG it took me a day to respond after much discussion with the evil twin.  So We want to see the GM and Uncle, though they are bound to give us some grief about the mother figure, its just we can't risk her being there, it would be too much.  I had to think very carefully about how to respond and not invite further conversation. So i said I would contact the Uncle by the book of face and arrange things with him.

Have done this and now just need to confirm details with him.  The evil twin is leaving it up to me.  So all i need to worry about now is if she turns up.  that would just be chaos.  IS it all going to quick off again......

Oh and by the way, ‘can’t Drive my arse’, she can drive, she has a car, she just chooses not too.  Its been ages since her operation so she has no bloody excuse.  Fortunately it does mean she can’t stalk us so easily.

now we are not in contact and still it hurts

So the last contact I had with the mother was on 16th february at quarter to 5, 4 days after I broke contact.

Text read "Nanny asked me to pass on a message to you and the twin.  Thank you very much for my lovely birthday card. It is lovely. I plan to come To Edinburgh for easter provided your mother is cleared to drive by then.  I would like to see you both.  I don't understand what has happened between you and Mother but I have had no row with either of you. I have found it very upseting and therefore would feel it would be better if we completely avoided discussing the matter.  Mother will let you know when I am up. "

This was followed by "One more thing, nanny has made it clear she does not want to see your dad"

My nanny doesn't text so how much of this is what she said and how much is a guilt trip laid on by my mother.  And its working.  its now two weeks since I stopped talking to her and i'm a wreck.  Going to set up counselling through work and see doctor soon.  Who would have thought that this would be the thing to push me over the edge

It's all been too much

After the whole debacle on Tuesday when I got Home from work i got an new text.

"I've had another 2 attacks of bringing up blood clots, after the first one i just cleaned up and got back into bed and dealt with it.  When after two hours I still had a thumping headache and booming ears I finally caved in and spoke to the duty doc.  I wondered if it was perhaps coming from my sinuses as there was no sign of bleeding in my nose.  He thought that was the most likley possibility and that once I am over the op I should probably be referred to the ENT again.  I've just had another episode, not as much bleeding but otherwise same symptoms, pretty wiped out, so much for a relaxing day. Regarding other matters I don't think there is anything to be gained by us discussing our or other family problems further.  I would like to continue seeing and contacting you.  I love you very much. Twin and I, Dad and I and Big Sis and I have problems but we've talked enough about them.  I just want to concentrate on you when we communicate, although I can't promise not to ask after them occassionally.  Is this ok with you?"

My Response
"I am sorry but I really don't need this much emotional baggage.  This attention seeking nonsense is making me ill.  I'm not coping and i think it would be better not to see you any more.  Everytime I do I end up getting hurt by you"

She replied "So be it".  she tried to call me the next day but I blanked her and she didn't leave a message.  So i've gone no contact.  Why then do I feel angry at her for not trying to contact me.  How screwed up am I.