Please don't put me in the middle.

After the last big blow out big sis introduced a pact for all the women in the family to get us through the festive season. basically we would all talk to each other, there would be no recriminations, no blame apportioned and we would just get on. which we have pretty much been trying too.
Today I did the dutiful daughter bit and texted the mother too see how she is, Sunday is usually the day we visit but twin and I both have colds and she still has her 'vomiting bug'.  After her usul rambling texts she sent me the following.

'I thought twin had signed up to big sis' agreement. I've texted her several times this week but no reply and it can't be because of her cold as she has been going out. I am not trying to put youin the middle. I would just like her to contact me. I'd like to know where I stand thanks'

my response was that she had signed up but cause i had responded to mum and shared Twin didn't think that she had to but she would text later.

So by sending that text and not comunicating with Twin directly she has put me in the middle, expecting me to guilt trip twin into contacting her and broached big sis' agreement. I know I should have told her to sort it out herself but it was just easier to tell twin to text. gotta stop pandering to her.

Also found out today that due to her mad ramblings and texts that she and my father are not speaking. he seems relived but I'm just waiting for the next blow.

there is such a thing as too much info

Ok, so realtively normal Christmas for us.  Presents ok, family great and mum contactable by Skype only.  However an hour and half on skype whilst my mother goes through everything she bought everyone, which i have already seen and been told about twice, two phonecalls to someone else and tears about not being with us, was a little overwhelming.

But no big, we manged.  the 40 minute telephone call after that however and then the call in the middle of Doctor Who was a bit much.  but its Christmas, i'll let it slide.

So dutifully I text her two days later to check how she is feeling.  would have done it Boxing day but i like to pretend I have a life.  Eventually get a response. (thought she was sulking cause i wouldn't shop for her).

Response reads Just now saw your text, no diarrhoea today but then i have only a few dry crackers and as i was very nauseaus all day I have been resting, don't have much choice really as i am very weak and shaky.  Its very frustrating as for every step forward I take I take a step back, which pantomine did you see.  was it good. Eldest neice and newphew rang on the way to big sisters and boyf and Big sister skyped me again as they opened my presents and nannys.  they loved everything. Newphew excitedly told me that Santa had put a £2.00 coin in his stocking.  He's obessed with finding money and i always plant a coin or two when he visits.  then he found £2.40 under is presents which surprised me until i remembered dropping some money out of the moneybox.  some must have gone into his gift bag which was under the window.  he was highly delighted

Random text twin got for no reason today

on xmas eve my toilet stopped working- not very helpful when you have a bug but thanks to a kind plumber sent three hours later by royalties gold emergency services it was fixed but apparently not very well as I am once again toiletless.  I hope it gets fixed permanently this time.  Its wet and getting windier by the minute and will continue until lunchtime tomorrow. Safe home xxxxxxxxxxx

Is this oversharing.  normal text converstaion I imagine would be "Hi Mum, how are you feeling?" " Hi Daughter not very well but i'm coping? " Ok take care mum"  No problem, by the way i've been having plumbing issues but don't worry will get them fixed"

I care that you may be ill but i don't need graphic details mum and i really don't need to hear something you have told me five times already

if you are that sick, why are you still on the phone to me.

Mum I am at work, so I really don't care about your dietary habits, you bowel movements, your plumbing, who you've talked too or what you remember.  please leave da's family alone, your not related anymore and they really don't need to talk to you

and really if you are as sick as you said you where why are you still on the phone and how can you possibly be shopping on the Internet too. 

also cousin's engagement is nothing to do with you and saying you only knew when I told you weeks ago and you gave me a row for not telling you immediately, even though i just found out, is just so like you

also mum before you ask again, for the 15th time, yes i know its Christmas eve but i have to work till five, because I'm the senior on cover and nothing will change that

I cant cope anymore (part two)

When my mother and the eegit Husband started having problems i witnessed the worst of it and i don't think either the twin or the eldest sister realised half of what was going on.  Both the twin and I were at University in the west but graduation was approaching and the twin was taking up the camp america route before the real word kicked in

The mother had become more and more depressed and the eegit couldn't cope with this. At the same time he had met up with an old girlfriend and was begining to consider his options.  he talked about this with the mother (told you eegit!).  This lead to some spectacular blow ups between them, (words only no fists).  usually in the living room and in from of me.  Yes i was in my twenties,  but emotionally fragile.

When my parents fought when we were little, it was scary, particularly when the da lost his temper.  as kids raised voices made us all frightened and to some extent still do.  i can't even shout myself without crying. 

so big emotional scenes, leading to mum being diagnoised as manic.  which i was told by the eggit in the car at the top of a hill, with mum rambling nonsense in the background.

more to follow, she's on the phone

I am at work

It's Christmas eve and i am working and I only told the mother that 5 or 6 times but she still insists on long rambling texts to me and the twin.  I've got off lightly though, I only had one so far.  The twin has had three and she wanted us to come round today so we could spend longer unwarpping presents by skype tomorrow.  Text Follows with translation

Good Morning Daughter Yippie! I’m going to campaign for a new law, nice people should get Christmas Eve off work.  Santa Claus is coming to town……I can’t wait.  I’m now eating light meals – Just toast or banana  or dry crackers but it’s a great start.  I love love love Christmas and you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Good Morning Daughter, i had forgotten you were working so thought I'd bother you, its not that I think you are nice but if you had the day off I could have hassled you more.  I'm utterly manic and my made up winter vomiting virus is getting better.  Did I mention I was hyper, cause I am, now tell me you love me, I am your mother and the centre of the universe.

Oh its going to be a good day

The mother just asked if I had made the Christmas oranges

No mum, just mince pies, candy cane vodka, cranberry jelly spiced nuts, stained glass biscuits, cross stitched everyones cards and chedder and bacon muffins (tonight)

Shame she says, next time save some holday time for early December to take the pressure off.

Thats what my leave's for is it.  to pander to your whims.  No wonder I can't find a boyfriend, never mind commit to a realtionship!!!!!!!!

I don't want to be beholden to you

This Christmas my Nanny was supposed to come and stay with my mother and then on 28th they were travelling up to Dundee to stay overnight in a hotel and see big sister.  Now my mother has "the winter vomiting bug", she can't go.  so today she phones me up and goes "Do you and twin want to go and stay in Dundee".  Sorry Dundonians but my automatic answer was no.  She then explains why and when i say I'm working that day and don't think so, she keeps pressing but the nieces and nephew will be there, its only one night, you can go after work etc.

So after I finally tell her no because we have other plans.  (She thinks I don't have a social life, I really don't but its none of her business).  Then while I'm cleaning up the mess from the flooded washing machine, (yes it will be a Merry Christmas), older sister calls and gives me grief about not coming.  Clearly what has happened, is the mother has decided that we can go in her place, set it up with the older sister and only after that asked me.

It drives me mad when they do this.  Hello 36 years old, can make my own choices!

Christmas will be peaceful without you

Got a text this morning asking me to ring her as we needed to discuss Christmas.  The usual deal is that we spend lunch with one parent and breakfast with the other.  This year it was her turn for breakfast but things being the way they are we weren't sure.  She says however that she has the winter vomiting bug which may actually be true but then she has had it for two weeks so maybe not.  So according to this latest diagnosis, she can't touch us or breathe  on us or anything.  Christmas morning we are going round to exchange gifts via black bags and hand gel.  The elder sister has to arrange something too as the youngest niece can't go near her.
I then have to phone her when I get home and do the socking and present thing via telephone.  Hey I wonder if we could do it via Skype.  She's sad about it but I'm a little relieved to tell you the truth.  When I told the twin, she whispered (she's lost her voice), Thanks Santa!

Should feel guilty but don't really.  As when she was talking about it she said that she had everything organised for ages and it was all planned and parceled etc.  Given our last fall out was her manic episode just over a week ago about how she had nothing planned and then had a go at us when we tried to help, she has just proven herself a liar.  Eldest sister doesn't believe a word and its annoyed as all her presents for family are at the mothers and it means she will have to talk to Dad's girlfriend. I'm relieved however.  hope she doesn't change her mind

i'm not your banker

Mum's just texted the twin to ask her if she has set up a bank account for mum to put some money in. 
In 2011 my mum decided she needed to downsize from her 4 bedroom house and the da was looking for something bigger so he could have the grandkids and friends more, so they swapped.  Da's flat was only two bedrooms so they struck a deal where mum would get some money from him equalvilent to the selling price of the house minus the selling price of the falt.

Mum's on benefits due to the bi polar and didn't want this affected by the extra cash, so it was agreed that the twin and I would when it was all sorted set up an account in one name that mum could have access too so she could survive on this money.  its only just sorted out (almost) and mum isn't speaking to da at the moment anyway.

However in the interim mum and twin and I had a fall out due to a major manic episode.  (she says she was just happy then sad) and have only built bridges as older sis wants a happy Christmas.  We only took those first tenantive steps yesterday and already she asking for favours.

Really don't think its a good idea, cause if we do this at some point she will accuse us of stealing from her and even if she doesn't there's that whole fraud issue.  twin's told her she hasn't had the time to do this but waiting for the fallout.

is it really wrong to hope she'll take offence so we don't have to deal with her over the festive period?

I can't cope anymore (part one)

This is a bit of history of why we've gt to the stage we are now.

When I was a little girl growing up in Northern Ireland, I thought my family was normal.  Both my parents worked and we had a loving extended family around us.  Mum was a teacher and I have some really happy memories of that time.  Sure every weekend she took a migraine and stayed in a darkened room all Saturday and I have one memory of an extended stay at the "hospital" but that was it

Dad was the one with the problem.  He had anger management issues then but has learned over the years to control them.  Mum was the normal one.

When I was none the whole family moved to Scotland for my Dad's work.  Mum became a stay at home parent and everything seemed fine.  I guess as a child its sometimes easy to block things.  My parents got divorced a couple of years later and thats when it really started.  I'm sure my sisters would correct me on this as they both have better recollections.

When mum had to go out to work and support us the "depression" reared its head and she would spend days at a time just lying in bed not coping.  She also began to read our mail and try and find out our secrets.  we took over a lot of the housework but just carried on.  My elder sister left to go to uni and then it spirialed.

I remember getting my exam results and having to wedge myself in the hall with my back to the door so she wouldn't see them first.  My twin did the same in the bathroom.  She started to tell stories about things that happened to us as if they were her story.  She couldn't keep a secret, even when asked and tried to be our friend rather than our mother, and kept walking in on us in the bathroom

One critical point was when my Grandfather on my Dad's side was diagnosed with lung cancer.  I found out from hearing her tell my twin.  How she told her was by opening the locked bathroom door from the outside, you could do this with a nail file, and walking in on her in the bathroom.

When we were 17 the twin and i both went to the same uni and moved into halls.  This was the point when things began to dissend into darkness.  She had been over to Ireland visiting family and planned to stop at ours on the way back.  She turned up with the man who would later become her eegit husband.  She spent the whole time talking about her and him, how romantic he was, how good their life was etc.  Hi daughters, here is a man i have never told you about who is my boyfriend - Surprise.  i think it was our birthday as well.

When she married the eegit, soon after she made it clear that we would not be welcome, even though we had nothing about disusading her but supported her fully.

Another birthday soon after (21st I think), mum asked if we wanted a party to celebrate.  We said no, because we would celebrate at Uni.  However she decided that we would have a party and invited all her friends.  She proceeded to hold court in the front room about her life, how awful it was, with all her friends reassuring her.  While the birthday girls and their big sister, got quitely drunk in the kitchen.  Who's day was it?

And then there was Christmas.  Mum has always played favourites with us.  She says she loves us all equally but quite honestly that depends on what day of the week it is.  That Christmas of my first or second year at Uni, i was clearly out of favour.  The twin got a matched luggage set and iIgot a black bin bag full of second hand gypsy skirts.  But she had spent the same on us apparently.

However, it was really when she started having problems with the eegit husband that her manic side really came through and that was when she was offically diagnosed as bi polar

you are bipolar

There are two things I want to say from thehe start of this despite what she may say my mum is bipolar and secondly I do love her. Its just sometimes I find i really hard to like her.  We've just been through a really difficult time with her and i went looking for some information that coulhelp. doyou know what i found. most of the literature is written from the point of view of the bipolar person or maybe a parent. there is very little from the point of view of the child. so i thought i'd share  my experience.
this won't be full of medical facts or helpful tips, its just one person dealing with a mother who is bipolar.
a bit of background is in order. I'm 36 years old and the youngest of three sisters barely. my eldest sister is the mother of 3 children and is a recvovering alcoholic. my twin is 5 mins older than me and has severe arthritis in her knees and i suffer from depression myself. so none of us is perfect, but we are working to improve ourselves. I live with my twin
This blog will be to share my ongoing experiences with my mum and what effects it can have on my life