So the last contact I had with the mother was on 16th february at quarter to 5, 4 days after I broke contact.
Text read "Nanny asked me to pass on a message to you and the twin. Thank you very much for my lovely birthday card. It is lovely. I plan to come To Edinburgh for easter provided your mother is cleared to drive by then. I would like to see you both. I don't understand what has happened between you and Mother but I have had no row with either of you. I have found it very upseting and therefore would feel it would be better if we completely avoided discussing the matter. Mother will let you know when I am up. "
This was followed by "One more thing, nanny has made it clear she does not want to see your dad"
My nanny doesn't text so how much of this is what she said and how much is a guilt trip laid on by my mother. And its working. its now two weeks since I stopped talking to her and i'm a wreck. Going to set up counselling through work and see doctor soon. Who would have thought that this would be the thing to push me over the edge
Monday, 25 February 2013
Thursday, 14 February 2013
It's all been too much
After the whole debacle on Tuesday when I got Home from work i got an new text.
"I've had another 2 attacks of bringing up blood clots, after the first one i just cleaned up and got back into bed and dealt with it. When after two hours I still had a thumping headache and booming ears I finally caved in and spoke to the duty doc. I wondered if it was perhaps coming from my sinuses as there was no sign of bleeding in my nose. He thought that was the most likley possibility and that once I am over the op I should probably be referred to the ENT again. I've just had another episode, not as much bleeding but otherwise same symptoms, pretty wiped out, so much for a relaxing day. Regarding other matters I don't think there is anything to be gained by us discussing our or other family problems further. I would like to continue seeing and contacting you. I love you very much. Twin and I, Dad and I and Big Sis and I have problems but we've talked enough about them. I just want to concentrate on you when we communicate, although I can't promise not to ask after them occassionally. Is this ok with you?"
My Response
"I am sorry but I really don't need this much emotional baggage. This attention seeking nonsense is making me ill. I'm not coping and i think it would be better not to see you any more. Everytime I do I end up getting hurt by you"
She replied "So be it". she tried to call me the next day but I blanked her and she didn't leave a message. So i've gone no contact. Why then do I feel angry at her for not trying to contact me. How screwed up am I.
"I've had another 2 attacks of bringing up blood clots, after the first one i just cleaned up and got back into bed and dealt with it. When after two hours I still had a thumping headache and booming ears I finally caved in and spoke to the duty doc. I wondered if it was perhaps coming from my sinuses as there was no sign of bleeding in my nose. He thought that was the most likley possibility and that once I am over the op I should probably be referred to the ENT again. I've just had another episode, not as much bleeding but otherwise same symptoms, pretty wiped out, so much for a relaxing day. Regarding other matters I don't think there is anything to be gained by us discussing our or other family problems further. I would like to continue seeing and contacting you. I love you very much. Twin and I, Dad and I and Big Sis and I have problems but we've talked enough about them. I just want to concentrate on you when we communicate, although I can't promise not to ask after them occassionally. Is this ok with you?"
My Response
"I am sorry but I really don't need this much emotional baggage. This attention seeking nonsense is making me ill. I'm not coping and i think it would be better not to see you any more. Everytime I do I end up getting hurt by you"
She replied "So be it". she tried to call me the next day but I blanked her and she didn't leave a message. So i've gone no contact. Why then do I feel angry at her for not trying to contact me. How screwed up am I.
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
cry for attention much!
My Big Sis just emailed from work to ask if anything was wrong with mum as she had a weird text. I explained what had happened and asked her what mum had said
"hi Big Sis! could you give me a ring asap. i know you are are work but it is a half emergency in that I've had a.other episode of bleeding like on Sunday. it is over and stopped and actually happened at lunchtime. i haunt contacted anyone and am now ok again but i need advice on what to do. i can't contact Jeniflower ( for reasons i will tell you) and don't think it is related to the op. they really were satisfied that there was nothing left to cause another attack. i just need advice on what to do? perhaps your manager would let you take 15mins or so on flexi. love xxx Sent from my iPhone"
my response
"Sounds like a cry for attention but it may just be stress causing a nosebleed, which could go down her throat. I would suggest that she calls her surgery or NHS 24, because the hospital could find absolutely nothing wrong with her and it seems to have happened just after I spoke with her."
am I right or am I right!
Now I'm worried about big sis
she says "Im pretty sure that's what it was the other night. She's genuinely recovering but im not sure about her mentalness meds. I can't ring her at work and im rushed off my feet. End of yr etc. Between this and dad stress I am close to a nervous breakdown. Coupled with the fact youngest neice was puking from 2-3 this morning for reasons unknown I really want to hide somewhere!!"
I've told her to seek help and I think i'm going to have to do the same
"hi Big Sis! could you give me a ring asap. i know you are are work but it is a half emergency in that I've had a.other episode of bleeding like on Sunday. it is over and stopped and actually happened at lunchtime. i haunt contacted anyone and am now ok again but i need advice on what to do. i can't contact Jeniflower ( for reasons i will tell you) and don't think it is related to the op. they really were satisfied that there was nothing left to cause another attack. i just need advice on what to do? perhaps your manager would let you take 15mins or so on flexi. love xxx Sent from my iPhone"
my response
"Sounds like a cry for attention but it may just be stress causing a nosebleed, which could go down her throat. I would suggest that she calls her surgery or NHS 24, because the hospital could find absolutely nothing wrong with her and it seems to have happened just after I spoke with her."
am I right or am I right!
Now I'm worried about big sis
she says "Im pretty sure that's what it was the other night. She's genuinely recovering but im not sure about her mentalness meds. I can't ring her at work and im rushed off my feet. End of yr etc. Between this and dad stress I am close to a nervous breakdown. Coupled with the fact youngest neice was puking from 2-3 this morning for reasons unknown I really want to hide somewhere!!"
I've told her to seek help and I think i'm going to have to do the same
I will not agree to this
OK, so as you all know I've started talking to my mother after she went into hospital. On Sunday after meeting up with my father and my sisters kids, i went to visit her. She was in bed and I got half an hour of what was wrong with her followed by an hour of how much she loves dad, how she never got over him but how he beat her and us and she never wants to see him again. Then that he beat the nephew who told her and that the kids were scared of him. Followed by her issues with Twin and big sister's issues with Dad and why she and Big Sis weren't to blame. It got a bit testy and I had to draw the line on a number of occasions. I also did not tell her the kids were through.
Anyway I was almost at the stage of walking out when Twin texted me to say adopted niece's were at dads and if i didn't get there in ten minutes I wouldn't see them. I explained this to mum and then left.
She phones dad when i am there and leaves a long rambling message about how they have to get together to discuss the family. despite saying to me that she wants to stay away from him and promising me that she wouldn't phone him. Fortunately he ignores it.
That evening when I was settling down to make gingerbread shortbread my mother phoned and said she was coughing up blood and could I come round. I jumped in the car and headed round to find the ambulance there. from what it looked like she had had a bit of a nose bleed and swallowed some blood, but they had to take her in to be sure. the ambulance men had to ask her to stop talking on a number of occasions and asked me twice if she ever shut up. When we get to the hospital she talks incessantly at me for twenty minutes whilst waiting on the doctor.
No one thinks its serious but mum. they take a few tests and some blood and say because of her recent operation she'll need to stay in over night. Eventually at about 11pm , I get to leave but not before she makes a snide remark about my coat. and whilst in the hospital big sis texts me and calls me a f***ing Hypocrite for not telling her about dad seeing the kids. I told her to F** off. and about mum.
I then found out mum left dad a really nasty message about not knowing the kids where there. I'm thinking the hospital trip was in some way my punishment.
I don't get to bed till really late so stayed off work yesterday and spent most of it hanging around waiting for her. she finally gets home last night with no real diagnosis and the sneaking suspicion that she was attention seeking.
So today at lunch time I give her a call to see how she is and 1 hour later was still on the phone. So much for a lunch break. Firstly I get the complete medical history and mum I still don't want to know about your bowel movements. Then she starts in about how awful the hospital ward was and that if she ever gets to the age when she has to go into a home (110 apparently), that she will want me if I'm not to doolally, to help her kill herself. She talks about Digitas and Arthur's Seat (which by this point I'm contemplating throwing someone off it, if it would end the conversation), and then tries to incite a promise from me to help her kill herself. I try to ignore this but she presses continuously until i make a non committal response and she moves on to her burial and coffin.
Woodland burial (if you think I'll let you poison the earth as you have your family) and wicker coffin and no funeral. Just people who love her going out for a slap up meal (well that will be cheap). Definitely no cremation. I pointed out that it was so much fun talking to her but its water off a ducks back.
At this point, she moves onto how important family relationships are and how she would never stop me from seeing other members of the family and then tries to do just that. She starts father bashing again and then starts in on her relationship with Twin. I point out that I am at work and really don't want to talk about it but she keeps on and is getting louder and more agitated. She then denies again remembering anything she ever says in both the recent manic episode and the one where she chucked me out. Even though I correct her twice, she still insists on saying when I moved out. She goes on about what a good mother she was and to remember the good parts and not the bad parts and then says to remember all the bad things I've done to her at the same time.
At which point I lose it totally, tell her I don't want to talk about it any more, that I am really upset and that I'm at work and then I hang up on her. So thats 20 minutes crying in the loos, no mascara, puffy eyes and a red nose before my two o'clock meeting. So the next move is hers
Anyway I was almost at the stage of walking out when Twin texted me to say adopted niece's were at dads and if i didn't get there in ten minutes I wouldn't see them. I explained this to mum and then left.
She phones dad when i am there and leaves a long rambling message about how they have to get together to discuss the family. despite saying to me that she wants to stay away from him and promising me that she wouldn't phone him. Fortunately he ignores it.
That evening when I was settling down to make gingerbread shortbread my mother phoned and said she was coughing up blood and could I come round. I jumped in the car and headed round to find the ambulance there. from what it looked like she had had a bit of a nose bleed and swallowed some blood, but they had to take her in to be sure. the ambulance men had to ask her to stop talking on a number of occasions and asked me twice if she ever shut up. When we get to the hospital she talks incessantly at me for twenty minutes whilst waiting on the doctor.
No one thinks its serious but mum. they take a few tests and some blood and say because of her recent operation she'll need to stay in over night. Eventually at about 11pm , I get to leave but not before she makes a snide remark about my coat. and whilst in the hospital big sis texts me and calls me a f***ing Hypocrite for not telling her about dad seeing the kids. I told her to F** off. and about mum.
I then found out mum left dad a really nasty message about not knowing the kids where there. I'm thinking the hospital trip was in some way my punishment.
I don't get to bed till really late so stayed off work yesterday and spent most of it hanging around waiting for her. she finally gets home last night with no real diagnosis and the sneaking suspicion that she was attention seeking.
So today at lunch time I give her a call to see how she is and 1 hour later was still on the phone. So much for a lunch break. Firstly I get the complete medical history and mum I still don't want to know about your bowel movements. Then she starts in about how awful the hospital ward was and that if she ever gets to the age when she has to go into a home (110 apparently), that she will want me if I'm not to doolally, to help her kill herself. She talks about Digitas and Arthur's Seat (which by this point I'm contemplating throwing someone off it, if it would end the conversation), and then tries to incite a promise from me to help her kill herself. I try to ignore this but she presses continuously until i make a non committal response and she moves on to her burial and coffin.
Woodland burial (if you think I'll let you poison the earth as you have your family) and wicker coffin and no funeral. Just people who love her going out for a slap up meal (well that will be cheap). Definitely no cremation. I pointed out that it was so much fun talking to her but its water off a ducks back.
At this point, she moves onto how important family relationships are and how she would never stop me from seeing other members of the family and then tries to do just that. She starts father bashing again and then starts in on her relationship with Twin. I point out that I am at work and really don't want to talk about it but she keeps on and is getting louder and more agitated. She then denies again remembering anything she ever says in both the recent manic episode and the one where she chucked me out. Even though I correct her twice, she still insists on saying when I moved out. She goes on about what a good mother she was and to remember the good parts and not the bad parts and then says to remember all the bad things I've done to her at the same time.
At which point I lose it totally, tell her I don't want to talk about it any more, that I am really upset and that I'm at work and then I hang up on her. So thats 20 minutes crying in the loos, no mascara, puffy eyes and a red nose before my two o'clock meeting. So the next move is hers
Friday, 8 February 2013
stop trying to avoid the issue
So yesterday I got this long rambling text from my mother and in it she asked me if I heard from big sis as she was worried because she's been off colour all week and has a lot on her plate. My radar says either guilt or alchol but I may be just being bitter here. Anyway I texted her back and said i hadn't talked to big sis since Monday and was more concerned about dad anyway but that I couldn't talk right then.
She never responded at all and then this morning i contacted her to dvise that "Ginger" (our car) had gone to the garage. it was previously in her car park and that I should be able to return her car "Snowy" this weekend. She replied that this was fine and then told a big story about Big Sis and the youngest niece and her baby sitter who has the same name as me. I like to know whats going on but she has totally blanked my concerns for my father which is a bit annoying.
Twin thinks she is doing it so I won't fight with her, which is fair enough. Saying that Big Sis emailed me about a work query and my response was all formal and stuff, but then she asked about my weekend. I made a point of saying I would be seeing both my parents seperately but didn't tell her anything else. i don't think its appropriate to challenge her over the work email anyway but should I have said something?
She never responded at all and then this morning i contacted her to dvise that "Ginger" (our car) had gone to the garage. it was previously in her car park and that I should be able to return her car "Snowy" this weekend. She replied that this was fine and then told a big story about Big Sis and the youngest niece and her baby sitter who has the same name as me. I like to know whats going on but she has totally blanked my concerns for my father which is a bit annoying.
Twin thinks she is doing it so I won't fight with her, which is fair enough. Saying that Big Sis emailed me about a work query and my response was all formal and stuff, but then she asked about my weekend. I made a point of saying I would be seeing both my parents seperately but didn't tell her anything else. i don't think its appropriate to challenge her over the work email anyway but should I have said something?
Thursday, 7 February 2013
If you were involved in my sisters actions I will never speak to you again
So we had the whole palaver with my mothers operation and things have not quite returned to normal and then I find out that Big Sis has banned my father from having the grandchildren overnight and her ex husband has agreed to this. Dad is heartbroken. Big Sis says its because he hit them which is totally a fabrication and that ex husband supports her with this. Ex husband however says itsbecause he thinks Big Sis would try and get custody and he can't fight an expensive court battle.
In the meantime, i don't know what big sister has told her kids but Dad is petrified that she will stop him from seeing them completely. he loves those kids dearly, is devastated that he barely gets to see youngest neice and is sinking into depression. He was told on Monday and spent all of Tuesday in bed which is so unlike him. He she stops him from seeing them it will kill him and i don't think I'll ever forgive her.
I was in tears when I found out and twin was so angry she was all for getting in the car driving up North to Big sis and punching her in the face.
I haven't spoken to big sis at all since and she hasn't tried to contact me. I also know I have to broach the subject with the mother but as she has been in hopsital and then recovery, i haven't done so yet. At some point though she will raise the subject and then I will have to address it. if she knows and supported this decision or at anytime influenced my sister then that will be the last straw.
I love both my parents but that doesn't mean i'm not aware of their flaws and sometimes you can get on with it and sometimes you can't. If my sister thinks she can do this, then she needs to know where I stand. I will do anything to see my neices and newphews but i will not stand idily by and watch her destroy my father's life
In the meantime, i don't know what big sister has told her kids but Dad is petrified that she will stop him from seeing them completely. he loves those kids dearly, is devastated that he barely gets to see youngest neice and is sinking into depression. He was told on Monday and spent all of Tuesday in bed which is so unlike him. He she stops him from seeing them it will kill him and i don't think I'll ever forgive her.
I was in tears when I found out and twin was so angry she was all for getting in the car driving up North to Big sis and punching her in the face.
I haven't spoken to big sis at all since and she hasn't tried to contact me. I also know I have to broach the subject with the mother but as she has been in hopsital and then recovery, i haven't done so yet. At some point though she will raise the subject and then I will have to address it. if she knows and supported this decision or at anytime influenced my sister then that will be the last straw.
I love both my parents but that doesn't mean i'm not aware of their flaws and sometimes you can get on with it and sometimes you can't. If my sister thinks she can do this, then she needs to know where I stand. I will do anything to see my neices and newphews but i will not stand idily by and watch her destroy my father's life
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
your in hospital
Ok,so after not speaking to her for 3 weeks just after 7am this morning I get a call from mum. She is in the hospital probably with gall bladder issues but shes too spaced out on morphine to tell me more. When I get too work, big sister also calls with pretty much the same story.
You can imagine twin's reaction, she wasn't sure to believe her or if it was a cry for attention and then felt bad that she felt like that. as I said to her the gall blader thing may explain her illness but not her behaviour.
Eventually not having heard anything I telephone the ward and get through. the Doctors are with her and she is going for a scan. Big sis talks me into picking up stuff for mum as she is likley to be in over the weekend. Thats even reminding her I have brusied ribs.
So eventually got a text from mum
"had a scan and unofficially confirmed that I have gallstones and an inflamed gallbladder. Given pain releif. Next step is putting scan results and other info together to decide treatment. Just want a decision, solution and home. Looks like this has been rumbling away from Sept. My own Doc thinks that the increase in my liver marker may also have been aggravated by my anti depressant and had reduced the dosage this week. I was supposed to see Robert (CPN) this afternoon to discuss this as apparently although i have been on this for some years sometimes it can become toxic (seratonan syndrome) which can cause viral flu like symptoms, diziness and hallucinations (though not bitchyness and spitefulness) along with optical problems, all of which I have experienced
A few days later:
sorry had to pause at that point and haven't had a break since then. Mum was in hospital from Friday through to Monday. She had her gall bladder out on Saturday and I'm officially back to seeing her again (oh the joy). She needed some things on Friday and I have keys to her house, plus my car is knackered and I needed to borrow hers (alterior motive). So I went on Friday night and Twin came with me but refused to see her, so it was up to me. Big sis sent a list of stuff she needed (couldn't come down youngest niece had a cold), but I didn't get it as she sent it to my work address and i was away at a meeting. Anyway went back again on Saturday after her operation and brought her more stuff. Dad was worried so he came along. i couldn't stop him but despite their relationship he does care about her. She seemed fine with that but the next day I got this text from big sister which made me cry, asking why the hell I brought Dad with me.
Sis has also given me a lot of hassle about twin not speaking to Mum and given her latest issues with dad (next blog) she's got a bloody cheek.
Anyway went back on Sunday as mum had complications and had to stay in another night and she chatted like nothing had ever happened and was fine and on Monday I picked her up and took her home. Yesterday I had to go and pick up her anti biotics so i feel like i'm back to being her chattle again. I'm phoning her at lunch time, so we will need to see the next thing, as I am now commited to seeing her again.
She also said and this takes the cake that she can't remember what she said to twin, thereby absolving her of any blame. "it wasn't me it was my toxic anti depressants etc". Twin ain't happy and frankly I'm worried.
What happens next is all dependant on if she has had anything to do with big sisters latest antics. If she has then I will never forgive her
As it is January was hell and February doesn't seem to be any better. not sure i'll make it through 2013
You can imagine twin's reaction, she wasn't sure to believe her or if it was a cry for attention and then felt bad that she felt like that. as I said to her the gall blader thing may explain her illness but not her behaviour.
Eventually not having heard anything I telephone the ward and get through. the Doctors are with her and she is going for a scan. Big sis talks me into picking up stuff for mum as she is likley to be in over the weekend. Thats even reminding her I have brusied ribs.
So eventually got a text from mum
"had a scan and unofficially confirmed that I have gallstones and an inflamed gallbladder. Given pain releif. Next step is putting scan results and other info together to decide treatment. Just want a decision, solution and home. Looks like this has been rumbling away from Sept. My own Doc thinks that the increase in my liver marker may also have been aggravated by my anti depressant and had reduced the dosage this week. I was supposed to see Robert (CPN) this afternoon to discuss this as apparently although i have been on this for some years sometimes it can become toxic (seratonan syndrome) which can cause viral flu like symptoms, diziness and hallucinations (though not bitchyness and spitefulness) along with optical problems, all of which I have experienced
A few days later:
sorry had to pause at that point and haven't had a break since then. Mum was in hospital from Friday through to Monday. She had her gall bladder out on Saturday and I'm officially back to seeing her again (oh the joy). She needed some things on Friday and I have keys to her house, plus my car is knackered and I needed to borrow hers (alterior motive). So I went on Friday night and Twin came with me but refused to see her, so it was up to me. Big sis sent a list of stuff she needed (couldn't come down youngest niece had a cold), but I didn't get it as she sent it to my work address and i was away at a meeting. Anyway went back again on Saturday after her operation and brought her more stuff. Dad was worried so he came along. i couldn't stop him but despite their relationship he does care about her. She seemed fine with that but the next day I got this text from big sister which made me cry, asking why the hell I brought Dad with me.
Sis has also given me a lot of hassle about twin not speaking to Mum and given her latest issues with dad (next blog) she's got a bloody cheek.
Anyway went back on Sunday as mum had complications and had to stay in another night and she chatted like nothing had ever happened and was fine and on Monday I picked her up and took her home. Yesterday I had to go and pick up her anti biotics so i feel like i'm back to being her chattle again. I'm phoning her at lunch time, so we will need to see the next thing, as I am now commited to seeing her again.
She also said and this takes the cake that she can't remember what she said to twin, thereby absolving her of any blame. "it wasn't me it was my toxic anti depressants etc". Twin ain't happy and frankly I'm worried.
What happens next is all dependant on if she has had anything to do with big sisters latest antics. If she has then I will never forgive her
As it is January was hell and February doesn't seem to be any better. not sure i'll make it through 2013
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