So my Grandmother and Uncle are up for a visit. This is my mothers mother, so obviously we wanted to see her but didn't want to engage with the mother. I arranged through FB to meet them for lunch at a nice little place near us. Nanny and Uncle turn up, she looks wonderful, we have a nice meal and everything is going well. We barely mention the mother but have a really nice time.
Anyway after the meal Uncle suggests we go outside for pictures. At this point Nanny grabs the evil twin and asks her why she is being so mean to my mother. Evil Twin explains that it is not that simple and that Mother has a lot to answer for, but of course mother has poisoned Nanny's mind. Evil Twin explains that she said and did some very hurtful things and Nanny says "She doesn't know what she did wrong" and "but she has apologised". The thing is that she hasn't though. Nanny then tells us we are killing our mother and asks if we will be happy when she is dead.
Evil twin can't take anymore and walks away. Which leaves me trying to explain to my 88 year old grandmother what my mother did and why we had to make this choice. She won't listen though and I can't make her. But i stress that mum was very hurtful and she made me ill and that is why we have made this choice. Nanny ends up in tears and Twin and I are in shock.
I want Nanny to know what really happened but its not something you can do in an hour and i don't want to hurt her. How do you tell you last surviving Grandparent that their daughter is completely nuts
Monday, 15 July 2013
Monday, 8 July 2013
I knew you'd be back.
On Friday night Evil Twin and I both have prophetic dreams that mum gets in touch and causes us merry hell, stalking us and in mine Grandmother is also pregnant.
So four months non contact and I'm sitting in the phone shop on Saturday trying to sort out an upgrade when I get a texr on my phone. It was from her. I almost fell of my stool. Phrased as if nothing had ever happened.
"Hi jeniflower Your Uncle is bringing up your Grandmother on Thursday and they are staying a while. he will be chauffeuring her around as I can't drive. They would like to see you perhaps on Saturday. Contact me so that we can arrange something"
OMG it took me a day to respond after much discussion with the evil twin. So We want to see the GM and Uncle, though they are bound to give us some grief about the mother figure, its just we can't risk her being there, it would be too much. I had to think very carefully about how to respond and not invite further conversation. So i said I would contact the Uncle by the book of face and arrange things with him.
Have done this and now just need to confirm details with him. The evil twin is leaving it up to me. So all i need to worry about now is if she turns up. that would just be chaos. IS it all going to quick off again......
So four months non contact and I'm sitting in the phone shop on Saturday trying to sort out an upgrade when I get a texr on my phone. It was from her. I almost fell of my stool. Phrased as if nothing had ever happened.
"Hi jeniflower Your Uncle is bringing up your Grandmother on Thursday and they are staying a while. he will be chauffeuring her around as I can't drive. They would like to see you perhaps on Saturday. Contact me so that we can arrange something"
OMG it took me a day to respond after much discussion with the evil twin. So We want to see the GM and Uncle, though they are bound to give us some grief about the mother figure, its just we can't risk her being there, it would be too much. I had to think very carefully about how to respond and not invite further conversation. So i said I would contact the Uncle by the book of face and arrange things with him.
Have done this and now just need to confirm details with him. The evil twin is leaving it up to me. So all i need to worry about now is if she turns up. that would just be chaos. IS it all going to quick off again......
Oh and by the way, ‘can’t Drive my arse’, she can drive, she has a car, she just chooses not too. Its been ages since her operation so she has no bloody excuse. Fortunately it does mean she can’t stalk us so easily.
Monday, 25 February 2013
now we are not in contact and still it hurts
So the last contact I had with the mother was on 16th february at quarter to 5, 4 days after I broke contact.
Text read "Nanny asked me to pass on a message to you and the twin. Thank you very much for my lovely birthday card. It is lovely. I plan to come To Edinburgh for easter provided your mother is cleared to drive by then. I would like to see you both. I don't understand what has happened between you and Mother but I have had no row with either of you. I have found it very upseting and therefore would feel it would be better if we completely avoided discussing the matter. Mother will let you know when I am up. "
This was followed by "One more thing, nanny has made it clear she does not want to see your dad"
My nanny doesn't text so how much of this is what she said and how much is a guilt trip laid on by my mother. And its working. its now two weeks since I stopped talking to her and i'm a wreck. Going to set up counselling through work and see doctor soon. Who would have thought that this would be the thing to push me over the edge
Text read "Nanny asked me to pass on a message to you and the twin. Thank you very much for my lovely birthday card. It is lovely. I plan to come To Edinburgh for easter provided your mother is cleared to drive by then. I would like to see you both. I don't understand what has happened between you and Mother but I have had no row with either of you. I have found it very upseting and therefore would feel it would be better if we completely avoided discussing the matter. Mother will let you know when I am up. "
This was followed by "One more thing, nanny has made it clear she does not want to see your dad"
My nanny doesn't text so how much of this is what she said and how much is a guilt trip laid on by my mother. And its working. its now two weeks since I stopped talking to her and i'm a wreck. Going to set up counselling through work and see doctor soon. Who would have thought that this would be the thing to push me over the edge
Thursday, 14 February 2013
It's all been too much
After the whole debacle on Tuesday when I got Home from work i got an new text.
"I've had another 2 attacks of bringing up blood clots, after the first one i just cleaned up and got back into bed and dealt with it. When after two hours I still had a thumping headache and booming ears I finally caved in and spoke to the duty doc. I wondered if it was perhaps coming from my sinuses as there was no sign of bleeding in my nose. He thought that was the most likley possibility and that once I am over the op I should probably be referred to the ENT again. I've just had another episode, not as much bleeding but otherwise same symptoms, pretty wiped out, so much for a relaxing day. Regarding other matters I don't think there is anything to be gained by us discussing our or other family problems further. I would like to continue seeing and contacting you. I love you very much. Twin and I, Dad and I and Big Sis and I have problems but we've talked enough about them. I just want to concentrate on you when we communicate, although I can't promise not to ask after them occassionally. Is this ok with you?"
My Response
"I am sorry but I really don't need this much emotional baggage. This attention seeking nonsense is making me ill. I'm not coping and i think it would be better not to see you any more. Everytime I do I end up getting hurt by you"
She replied "So be it". she tried to call me the next day but I blanked her and she didn't leave a message. So i've gone no contact. Why then do I feel angry at her for not trying to contact me. How screwed up am I.
"I've had another 2 attacks of bringing up blood clots, after the first one i just cleaned up and got back into bed and dealt with it. When after two hours I still had a thumping headache and booming ears I finally caved in and spoke to the duty doc. I wondered if it was perhaps coming from my sinuses as there was no sign of bleeding in my nose. He thought that was the most likley possibility and that once I am over the op I should probably be referred to the ENT again. I've just had another episode, not as much bleeding but otherwise same symptoms, pretty wiped out, so much for a relaxing day. Regarding other matters I don't think there is anything to be gained by us discussing our or other family problems further. I would like to continue seeing and contacting you. I love you very much. Twin and I, Dad and I and Big Sis and I have problems but we've talked enough about them. I just want to concentrate on you when we communicate, although I can't promise not to ask after them occassionally. Is this ok with you?"
My Response
"I am sorry but I really don't need this much emotional baggage. This attention seeking nonsense is making me ill. I'm not coping and i think it would be better not to see you any more. Everytime I do I end up getting hurt by you"
She replied "So be it". she tried to call me the next day but I blanked her and she didn't leave a message. So i've gone no contact. Why then do I feel angry at her for not trying to contact me. How screwed up am I.
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
cry for attention much!
My Big Sis just emailed from work to ask if anything was wrong with mum as she had a weird text. I explained what had happened and asked her what mum had said
"hi Big Sis! could you give me a ring asap. i know you are are work but it is a half emergency in that I've had a.other episode of bleeding like on Sunday. it is over and stopped and actually happened at lunchtime. i haunt contacted anyone and am now ok again but i need advice on what to do. i can't contact Jeniflower ( for reasons i will tell you) and don't think it is related to the op. they really were satisfied that there was nothing left to cause another attack. i just need advice on what to do? perhaps your manager would let you take 15mins or so on flexi. love xxx Sent from my iPhone"
my response
"Sounds like a cry for attention but it may just be stress causing a nosebleed, which could go down her throat. I would suggest that she calls her surgery or NHS 24, because the hospital could find absolutely nothing wrong with her and it seems to have happened just after I spoke with her."
am I right or am I right!
Now I'm worried about big sis
she says "Im pretty sure that's what it was the other night. She's genuinely recovering but im not sure about her mentalness meds. I can't ring her at work and im rushed off my feet. End of yr etc. Between this and dad stress I am close to a nervous breakdown. Coupled with the fact youngest neice was puking from 2-3 this morning for reasons unknown I really want to hide somewhere!!"
I've told her to seek help and I think i'm going to have to do the same
"hi Big Sis! could you give me a ring asap. i know you are are work but it is a half emergency in that I've had a.other episode of bleeding like on Sunday. it is over and stopped and actually happened at lunchtime. i haunt contacted anyone and am now ok again but i need advice on what to do. i can't contact Jeniflower ( for reasons i will tell you) and don't think it is related to the op. they really were satisfied that there was nothing left to cause another attack. i just need advice on what to do? perhaps your manager would let you take 15mins or so on flexi. love xxx Sent from my iPhone"
my response
"Sounds like a cry for attention but it may just be stress causing a nosebleed, which could go down her throat. I would suggest that she calls her surgery or NHS 24, because the hospital could find absolutely nothing wrong with her and it seems to have happened just after I spoke with her."
am I right or am I right!
Now I'm worried about big sis
she says "Im pretty sure that's what it was the other night. She's genuinely recovering but im not sure about her mentalness meds. I can't ring her at work and im rushed off my feet. End of yr etc. Between this and dad stress I am close to a nervous breakdown. Coupled with the fact youngest neice was puking from 2-3 this morning for reasons unknown I really want to hide somewhere!!"
I've told her to seek help and I think i'm going to have to do the same
I will not agree to this
OK, so as you all know I've started talking to my mother after she went into hospital. On Sunday after meeting up with my father and my sisters kids, i went to visit her. She was in bed and I got half an hour of what was wrong with her followed by an hour of how much she loves dad, how she never got over him but how he beat her and us and she never wants to see him again. Then that he beat the nephew who told her and that the kids were scared of him. Followed by her issues with Twin and big sister's issues with Dad and why she and Big Sis weren't to blame. It got a bit testy and I had to draw the line on a number of occasions. I also did not tell her the kids were through.
Anyway I was almost at the stage of walking out when Twin texted me to say adopted niece's were at dads and if i didn't get there in ten minutes I wouldn't see them. I explained this to mum and then left.
She phones dad when i am there and leaves a long rambling message about how they have to get together to discuss the family. despite saying to me that she wants to stay away from him and promising me that she wouldn't phone him. Fortunately he ignores it.
That evening when I was settling down to make gingerbread shortbread my mother phoned and said she was coughing up blood and could I come round. I jumped in the car and headed round to find the ambulance there. from what it looked like she had had a bit of a nose bleed and swallowed some blood, but they had to take her in to be sure. the ambulance men had to ask her to stop talking on a number of occasions and asked me twice if she ever shut up. When we get to the hospital she talks incessantly at me for twenty minutes whilst waiting on the doctor.
No one thinks its serious but mum. they take a few tests and some blood and say because of her recent operation she'll need to stay in over night. Eventually at about 11pm , I get to leave but not before she makes a snide remark about my coat. and whilst in the hospital big sis texts me and calls me a f***ing Hypocrite for not telling her about dad seeing the kids. I told her to F** off. and about mum.
I then found out mum left dad a really nasty message about not knowing the kids where there. I'm thinking the hospital trip was in some way my punishment.
I don't get to bed till really late so stayed off work yesterday and spent most of it hanging around waiting for her. she finally gets home last night with no real diagnosis and the sneaking suspicion that she was attention seeking.
So today at lunch time I give her a call to see how she is and 1 hour later was still on the phone. So much for a lunch break. Firstly I get the complete medical history and mum I still don't want to know about your bowel movements. Then she starts in about how awful the hospital ward was and that if she ever gets to the age when she has to go into a home (110 apparently), that she will want me if I'm not to doolally, to help her kill herself. She talks about Digitas and Arthur's Seat (which by this point I'm contemplating throwing someone off it, if it would end the conversation), and then tries to incite a promise from me to help her kill herself. I try to ignore this but she presses continuously until i make a non committal response and she moves on to her burial and coffin.
Woodland burial (if you think I'll let you poison the earth as you have your family) and wicker coffin and no funeral. Just people who love her going out for a slap up meal (well that will be cheap). Definitely no cremation. I pointed out that it was so much fun talking to her but its water off a ducks back.
At this point, she moves onto how important family relationships are and how she would never stop me from seeing other members of the family and then tries to do just that. She starts father bashing again and then starts in on her relationship with Twin. I point out that I am at work and really don't want to talk about it but she keeps on and is getting louder and more agitated. She then denies again remembering anything she ever says in both the recent manic episode and the one where she chucked me out. Even though I correct her twice, she still insists on saying when I moved out. She goes on about what a good mother she was and to remember the good parts and not the bad parts and then says to remember all the bad things I've done to her at the same time.
At which point I lose it totally, tell her I don't want to talk about it any more, that I am really upset and that I'm at work and then I hang up on her. So thats 20 minutes crying in the loos, no mascara, puffy eyes and a red nose before my two o'clock meeting. So the next move is hers
Anyway I was almost at the stage of walking out when Twin texted me to say adopted niece's were at dads and if i didn't get there in ten minutes I wouldn't see them. I explained this to mum and then left.
She phones dad when i am there and leaves a long rambling message about how they have to get together to discuss the family. despite saying to me that she wants to stay away from him and promising me that she wouldn't phone him. Fortunately he ignores it.
That evening when I was settling down to make gingerbread shortbread my mother phoned and said she was coughing up blood and could I come round. I jumped in the car and headed round to find the ambulance there. from what it looked like she had had a bit of a nose bleed and swallowed some blood, but they had to take her in to be sure. the ambulance men had to ask her to stop talking on a number of occasions and asked me twice if she ever shut up. When we get to the hospital she talks incessantly at me for twenty minutes whilst waiting on the doctor.
No one thinks its serious but mum. they take a few tests and some blood and say because of her recent operation she'll need to stay in over night. Eventually at about 11pm , I get to leave but not before she makes a snide remark about my coat. and whilst in the hospital big sis texts me and calls me a f***ing Hypocrite for not telling her about dad seeing the kids. I told her to F** off. and about mum.
I then found out mum left dad a really nasty message about not knowing the kids where there. I'm thinking the hospital trip was in some way my punishment.
I don't get to bed till really late so stayed off work yesterday and spent most of it hanging around waiting for her. she finally gets home last night with no real diagnosis and the sneaking suspicion that she was attention seeking.
So today at lunch time I give her a call to see how she is and 1 hour later was still on the phone. So much for a lunch break. Firstly I get the complete medical history and mum I still don't want to know about your bowel movements. Then she starts in about how awful the hospital ward was and that if she ever gets to the age when she has to go into a home (110 apparently), that she will want me if I'm not to doolally, to help her kill herself. She talks about Digitas and Arthur's Seat (which by this point I'm contemplating throwing someone off it, if it would end the conversation), and then tries to incite a promise from me to help her kill herself. I try to ignore this but she presses continuously until i make a non committal response and she moves on to her burial and coffin.
Woodland burial (if you think I'll let you poison the earth as you have your family) and wicker coffin and no funeral. Just people who love her going out for a slap up meal (well that will be cheap). Definitely no cremation. I pointed out that it was so much fun talking to her but its water off a ducks back.
At this point, she moves onto how important family relationships are and how she would never stop me from seeing other members of the family and then tries to do just that. She starts father bashing again and then starts in on her relationship with Twin. I point out that I am at work and really don't want to talk about it but she keeps on and is getting louder and more agitated. She then denies again remembering anything she ever says in both the recent manic episode and the one where she chucked me out. Even though I correct her twice, she still insists on saying when I moved out. She goes on about what a good mother she was and to remember the good parts and not the bad parts and then says to remember all the bad things I've done to her at the same time.
At which point I lose it totally, tell her I don't want to talk about it any more, that I am really upset and that I'm at work and then I hang up on her. So thats 20 minutes crying in the loos, no mascara, puffy eyes and a red nose before my two o'clock meeting. So the next move is hers
Friday, 8 February 2013
stop trying to avoid the issue
So yesterday I got this long rambling text from my mother and in it she asked me if I heard from big sis as she was worried because she's been off colour all week and has a lot on her plate. My radar says either guilt or alchol but I may be just being bitter here. Anyway I texted her back and said i hadn't talked to big sis since Monday and was more concerned about dad anyway but that I couldn't talk right then.
She never responded at all and then this morning i contacted her to dvise that "Ginger" (our car) had gone to the garage. it was previously in her car park and that I should be able to return her car "Snowy" this weekend. She replied that this was fine and then told a big story about Big Sis and the youngest niece and her baby sitter who has the same name as me. I like to know whats going on but she has totally blanked my concerns for my father which is a bit annoying.
Twin thinks she is doing it so I won't fight with her, which is fair enough. Saying that Big Sis emailed me about a work query and my response was all formal and stuff, but then she asked about my weekend. I made a point of saying I would be seeing both my parents seperately but didn't tell her anything else. i don't think its appropriate to challenge her over the work email anyway but should I have said something?
She never responded at all and then this morning i contacted her to dvise that "Ginger" (our car) had gone to the garage. it was previously in her car park and that I should be able to return her car "Snowy" this weekend. She replied that this was fine and then told a big story about Big Sis and the youngest niece and her baby sitter who has the same name as me. I like to know whats going on but she has totally blanked my concerns for my father which is a bit annoying.
Twin thinks she is doing it so I won't fight with her, which is fair enough. Saying that Big Sis emailed me about a work query and my response was all formal and stuff, but then she asked about my weekend. I made a point of saying I would be seeing both my parents seperately but didn't tell her anything else. i don't think its appropriate to challenge her over the work email anyway but should I have said something?
Thursday, 7 February 2013
If you were involved in my sisters actions I will never speak to you again
So we had the whole palaver with my mothers operation and things have not quite returned to normal and then I find out that Big Sis has banned my father from having the grandchildren overnight and her ex husband has agreed to this. Dad is heartbroken. Big Sis says its because he hit them which is totally a fabrication and that ex husband supports her with this. Ex husband however says itsbecause he thinks Big Sis would try and get custody and he can't fight an expensive court battle.
In the meantime, i don't know what big sister has told her kids but Dad is petrified that she will stop him from seeing them completely. he loves those kids dearly, is devastated that he barely gets to see youngest neice and is sinking into depression. He was told on Monday and spent all of Tuesday in bed which is so unlike him. He she stops him from seeing them it will kill him and i don't think I'll ever forgive her.
I was in tears when I found out and twin was so angry she was all for getting in the car driving up North to Big sis and punching her in the face.
I haven't spoken to big sis at all since and she hasn't tried to contact me. I also know I have to broach the subject with the mother but as she has been in hopsital and then recovery, i haven't done so yet. At some point though she will raise the subject and then I will have to address it. if she knows and supported this decision or at anytime influenced my sister then that will be the last straw.
I love both my parents but that doesn't mean i'm not aware of their flaws and sometimes you can get on with it and sometimes you can't. If my sister thinks she can do this, then she needs to know where I stand. I will do anything to see my neices and newphews but i will not stand idily by and watch her destroy my father's life
In the meantime, i don't know what big sister has told her kids but Dad is petrified that she will stop him from seeing them completely. he loves those kids dearly, is devastated that he barely gets to see youngest neice and is sinking into depression. He was told on Monday and spent all of Tuesday in bed which is so unlike him. He she stops him from seeing them it will kill him and i don't think I'll ever forgive her.
I was in tears when I found out and twin was so angry she was all for getting in the car driving up North to Big sis and punching her in the face.
I haven't spoken to big sis at all since and she hasn't tried to contact me. I also know I have to broach the subject with the mother but as she has been in hopsital and then recovery, i haven't done so yet. At some point though she will raise the subject and then I will have to address it. if she knows and supported this decision or at anytime influenced my sister then that will be the last straw.
I love both my parents but that doesn't mean i'm not aware of their flaws and sometimes you can get on with it and sometimes you can't. If my sister thinks she can do this, then she needs to know where I stand. I will do anything to see my neices and newphews but i will not stand idily by and watch her destroy my father's life
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
your in hospital
Ok,so after not speaking to her for 3 weeks just after 7am this morning I get a call from mum. She is in the hospital probably with gall bladder issues but shes too spaced out on morphine to tell me more. When I get too work, big sister also calls with pretty much the same story.
You can imagine twin's reaction, she wasn't sure to believe her or if it was a cry for attention and then felt bad that she felt like that. as I said to her the gall blader thing may explain her illness but not her behaviour.
Eventually not having heard anything I telephone the ward and get through. the Doctors are with her and she is going for a scan. Big sis talks me into picking up stuff for mum as she is likley to be in over the weekend. Thats even reminding her I have brusied ribs.
So eventually got a text from mum
"had a scan and unofficially confirmed that I have gallstones and an inflamed gallbladder. Given pain releif. Next step is putting scan results and other info together to decide treatment. Just want a decision, solution and home. Looks like this has been rumbling away from Sept. My own Doc thinks that the increase in my liver marker may also have been aggravated by my anti depressant and had reduced the dosage this week. I was supposed to see Robert (CPN) this afternoon to discuss this as apparently although i have been on this for some years sometimes it can become toxic (seratonan syndrome) which can cause viral flu like symptoms, diziness and hallucinations (though not bitchyness and spitefulness) along with optical problems, all of which I have experienced
A few days later:
sorry had to pause at that point and haven't had a break since then. Mum was in hospital from Friday through to Monday. She had her gall bladder out on Saturday and I'm officially back to seeing her again (oh the joy). She needed some things on Friday and I have keys to her house, plus my car is knackered and I needed to borrow hers (alterior motive). So I went on Friday night and Twin came with me but refused to see her, so it was up to me. Big sis sent a list of stuff she needed (couldn't come down youngest niece had a cold), but I didn't get it as she sent it to my work address and i was away at a meeting. Anyway went back again on Saturday after her operation and brought her more stuff. Dad was worried so he came along. i couldn't stop him but despite their relationship he does care about her. She seemed fine with that but the next day I got this text from big sister which made me cry, asking why the hell I brought Dad with me.
Sis has also given me a lot of hassle about twin not speaking to Mum and given her latest issues with dad (next blog) she's got a bloody cheek.
Anyway went back on Sunday as mum had complications and had to stay in another night and she chatted like nothing had ever happened and was fine and on Monday I picked her up and took her home. Yesterday I had to go and pick up her anti biotics so i feel like i'm back to being her chattle again. I'm phoning her at lunch time, so we will need to see the next thing, as I am now commited to seeing her again.
She also said and this takes the cake that she can't remember what she said to twin, thereby absolving her of any blame. "it wasn't me it was my toxic anti depressants etc". Twin ain't happy and frankly I'm worried.
What happens next is all dependant on if she has had anything to do with big sisters latest antics. If she has then I will never forgive her
As it is January was hell and February doesn't seem to be any better. not sure i'll make it through 2013
You can imagine twin's reaction, she wasn't sure to believe her or if it was a cry for attention and then felt bad that she felt like that. as I said to her the gall blader thing may explain her illness but not her behaviour.
Eventually not having heard anything I telephone the ward and get through. the Doctors are with her and she is going for a scan. Big sis talks me into picking up stuff for mum as she is likley to be in over the weekend. Thats even reminding her I have brusied ribs.
So eventually got a text from mum
"had a scan and unofficially confirmed that I have gallstones and an inflamed gallbladder. Given pain releif. Next step is putting scan results and other info together to decide treatment. Just want a decision, solution and home. Looks like this has been rumbling away from Sept. My own Doc thinks that the increase in my liver marker may also have been aggravated by my anti depressant and had reduced the dosage this week. I was supposed to see Robert (CPN) this afternoon to discuss this as apparently although i have been on this for some years sometimes it can become toxic (seratonan syndrome) which can cause viral flu like symptoms, diziness and hallucinations (though not bitchyness and spitefulness) along with optical problems, all of which I have experienced
A few days later:
sorry had to pause at that point and haven't had a break since then. Mum was in hospital from Friday through to Monday. She had her gall bladder out on Saturday and I'm officially back to seeing her again (oh the joy). She needed some things on Friday and I have keys to her house, plus my car is knackered and I needed to borrow hers (alterior motive). So I went on Friday night and Twin came with me but refused to see her, so it was up to me. Big sis sent a list of stuff she needed (couldn't come down youngest niece had a cold), but I didn't get it as she sent it to my work address and i was away at a meeting. Anyway went back again on Saturday after her operation and brought her more stuff. Dad was worried so he came along. i couldn't stop him but despite their relationship he does care about her. She seemed fine with that but the next day I got this text from big sister which made me cry, asking why the hell I brought Dad with me.
Sis has also given me a lot of hassle about twin not speaking to Mum and given her latest issues with dad (next blog) she's got a bloody cheek.
Anyway went back on Sunday as mum had complications and had to stay in another night and she chatted like nothing had ever happened and was fine and on Monday I picked her up and took her home. Yesterday I had to go and pick up her anti biotics so i feel like i'm back to being her chattle again. I'm phoning her at lunch time, so we will need to see the next thing, as I am now commited to seeing her again.
She also said and this takes the cake that she can't remember what she said to twin, thereby absolving her of any blame. "it wasn't me it was my toxic anti depressants etc". Twin ain't happy and frankly I'm worried.
What happens next is all dependant on if she has had anything to do with big sisters latest antics. If she has then I will never forgive her
As it is January was hell and February doesn't seem to be any better. not sure i'll make it through 2013
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
i'm kinda glad i don't have to speak to you
Is that wrong, am I such a bad daughter. So much has happened over the last week that I'm relieved that i don't have to deal with mum on top of it.
I have had this cold since the new year, which turned into a lost voice (three days), conjuctivitis and sinusitis. Took the anti biotics and got better but still have a cough which i couldn't get rid off. So I coughed so hard I brusied my ribs and ended up in the outpatients on Sunday night. They can't do anything and I just have to suffer but everytime I cough it gets worse.
Meanwhile, car failed MOT, so shelled out load of cash and got new exhaust and breaks. next day won't start and turns out altenator belt and battery is shot (which wasn't picked up in the MOT!), so more money for car. Gears very crunchy too and then on the weekend they stick. Monday Morning driving to work clutch gives up the ghost and i hold up traffic on starbank rd, till i get pushed to the side and RAC comes. Going to need a new clutch apparently.
All the while big sister is causing father heartache, refusing to let neice and newphew go with him to Disney even though he already paid, cutting off all contact with him so he can't see littlest neice, and blaming me and twin for not telling her anything. Father has done nothing wrong, Sister just being over recationary. Yes Dad was bad when we were young, but you want to see a bad parent look in the mirror big sister. Who left her kids to care for themselves cause she was too drunk hmmmmm, who abandoned her kids so she could go to dundee, hmmmmm,. Pot and Kettle is all i'm saying
And all I can think is at least I don't have to deal with the Mother and her feelings, cause lets face it, it would be all about her. I almost didn't reply to the text asking if i was alright cause of my facebook status, but as I have and she hasn't responded phew! or am I tempting fate.
I have had this cold since the new year, which turned into a lost voice (three days), conjuctivitis and sinusitis. Took the anti biotics and got better but still have a cough which i couldn't get rid off. So I coughed so hard I brusied my ribs and ended up in the outpatients on Sunday night. They can't do anything and I just have to suffer but everytime I cough it gets worse.
Meanwhile, car failed MOT, so shelled out load of cash and got new exhaust and breaks. next day won't start and turns out altenator belt and battery is shot (which wasn't picked up in the MOT!), so more money for car. Gears very crunchy too and then on the weekend they stick. Monday Morning driving to work clutch gives up the ghost and i hold up traffic on starbank rd, till i get pushed to the side and RAC comes. Going to need a new clutch apparently.
All the while big sister is causing father heartache, refusing to let neice and newphew go with him to Disney even though he already paid, cutting off all contact with him so he can't see littlest neice, and blaming me and twin for not telling her anything. Father has done nothing wrong, Sister just being over recationary. Yes Dad was bad when we were young, but you want to see a bad parent look in the mirror big sister. Who left her kids to care for themselves cause she was too drunk hmmmmm, who abandoned her kids so she could go to dundee, hmmmmm,. Pot and Kettle is all i'm saying
And all I can think is at least I don't have to deal with the Mother and her feelings, cause lets face it, it would be all about her. I almost didn't reply to the text asking if i was alright cause of my facebook status, but as I have and she hasn't responded phew! or am I tempting fate.
Thursday, 24 January 2013
I'm not sure what to do
Its been two weeks since I talked to my mother last and asked for a break, and I'm still contemplating how to tell her I don't want a relationship with her any more. In that time my big sister has made every attempt to alienate her father from his grandchildren, including forbidding him from taking them to Florida despite the fact that their Dad said it was ok and he had already paid. She can't let go of the past when he was not the greatest dad (ok he was a monster, sorry Da) and she is rewriting history to prevent him seeing the kids. she seems to forget that he was the one that stood by her when she was drinking and went out of the way to help her keep contact with the kids. he even stood by her when she almost lost custody of the youngest after she fell off the wagon again.
He is devestated and i can't believe she has done this. During all this she got into a fight with me and the twin, accusing us of keeping secrets and trying to divide the family and i can't help but feel she was influenced by mummy fearest. I can't accuse Mum of this but it just makes it harder.
On Monday night I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor crying. And before that when elder sis was fighting with us, twin ended up in tears and she just doesn't cry ever!
So now I'm faced with how to tell mum that i don't want to see her again (probably in writing) and the issues that may cause. To pinch a couple of lines from my twin, this is what i want to say
Mother, after thinking this over for some time and I have reached a very difficult decision. I want you to understand why I feel we can’t have a relationship anymore.
He is devestated and i can't believe she has done this. During all this she got into a fight with me and the twin, accusing us of keeping secrets and trying to divide the family and i can't help but feel she was influenced by mummy fearest. I can't accuse Mum of this but it just makes it harder.
On Monday night I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor crying. And before that when elder sis was fighting with us, twin ended up in tears and she just doesn't cry ever!
So now I'm faced with how to tell mum that i don't want to see her again (probably in writing) and the issues that may cause. To pinch a couple of lines from my twin, this is what i want to say
Mother, after thinking this over for some time and I have reached a very difficult decision. I want you to understand why I feel we can’t have a relationship anymore.
You have always said that you are a good mother and you raised us the best way that you could and I have some very happy memories growing up but for some time now they have been overshadowed by the bad things that have happened in recent years and the over reliance that you have had on me.
I' m not going to blame you for everything that has gone wrong in my life, that just wouldn't be fair but i need you to understand, what effect that your actions have had on others.
Firstly I want you to understand that you do have a mental illness. This is not something to lable you with but a fact of your life. Years of evidence shows you definetly have depression, from the weekends you hid in your room when we were young, to not being able to get a job because you just couldn't leave your house. You may also be bipolar or have a similar evidence and again your behaviour over the years would justify this, from my 21st birthday when you held court with your friends and we hid in the kitchen, to the night you threw me out and your shoplifting here and abroad. Whether you seek help is your decision but the first step is acceptance.
But its not this that has lead me to take this decision. We have all had our share of health issues, eldest sister is a recovering alcholic, twin has crippling arthritis and i suffer from depression too. Mental health issues should never be an excuse for a decision.
The reasons i cannot see you any more are your over dependance on me to solve all your problems, the lies you have spread, the way you rewrite history, your blatent favourtism, your inability to keep my personal information secret and finally that you asked me to choose between you and my twin sister, which is something up until now I would never considered.
What has particularly hurt me is the fact that you have told various family members that I am the one with issues, when all I did was show concern for your health. And that you have made a number of attempts to split up the family and divide us from our father.
Yes, dad was an awful father when we where young and he probably should have never gotten married, but he has worked through a lot of stuff and has improved. it breaks my heart and his that you and big sister just don't see this.
But thinking back on those times, the question I keep asking myself was 'where were you?'. When Dad shouted and scared us for no reason, where were you?, When he lashed out, where were you? and when we got blamed for something we didn't do, where were you? I have no memory of you defending us kids at all.
I'm willing to let that slide but its been in my adult years when I can honestly say my realtionship with you has deteroriated. From when I was 18 onwards, your constant demands for attention and dependancy on me to run aspects of your life, be your cook, cleaner, bottle washer, agony aunt, financial advisor, personal shopper and chemist have become intolerable. Yes I should have stopped this sooner but you are my mother and I do love you. But its got to the stage when I dread picking up the phone.
Do you know, you never call or see us unless you want something, the converstation always revolves around your needs, unless you want to make one of us unhappy and you barely ask after us. Even when you do, you gloss over anything we say and turn things back to you. Unless you want to talk abour big sister, the golden child who apparently is everything we are not, even with everything that has happened.
Mum, I'm 36 years old, i can't commit to a relationshiip, I barely communicate with men, I desperately want kids but can't bear to be touched and I'm unhappy. Maybe breaking the realtionship with you won't change that, but at least then I can concentrate on my life instead of worrying about yours. That may be selfish but I feel its the only way.
Goodbye
Thursday, 10 January 2013
you are a toxic parent
I have a sinus infection, the cough of death, very little voice and keep coughing up a toxic substance, but that isn't the worst thing in my life.
two days ago after I asked the mother for space, I got another text 3 hours later.
"last text and then I will give you as much space as you want. As Twin told me to leave you both alone I assumed perhaps wrongly that she and you had talked and that it was a joint decision. All I have done was try and get help when I was sick with a temp that was causing hallucinations (are you sure it was the temp mum) For obvious reasons this scared me but the doc reassured me that it was normal in the circumstances and told me to take more para which I have done, my temp is lower but i still feel very ill and am just waiting up til I get my tablets before going back to bed. I thought that once the doc spoke to you things would improve, important sorry if i confused you with Twin. You must decide what you want , am i is to contact you again and if not is it because you need space or like twin have decided you no longer want contact at all. I will do what ever you want not because I want to but because you ask me"
My response was that twin was being really supportive telling me that it was between her and mum and that I shouldn't take sides but keep contact. But that mum was insisting I pick. And i asked her agin to give me space which she agreed to. That space lasted a total of one hour and then
"Your dad has denied saying or implying that I harassed him at the weekend and knows nothing of my supposed texts to Dad's Girlfriend which I still have. She texted thanks for Nieces presents and i told her that i hoped they all had a very happy Christmas. I said I had to cancel Nanny's visit amongst others as I was ill. She replied with good wishes for my recovery and spoke of the kids enjoying the presents. That was all! I assumed dad told you this but he says no. If not him it can only be dad's girlfriend, whoever did is lying and clearly has an agenda of their own. (last sentence makes no sense) Important detested by a"
My response was simply that I asked for space so why did you send me this
"sorry meant devastated by this! I have proven that I am physically ill and I totally deny the allegations, now you have has much space as you need"
I told her I had never accused her of anything, just asked for space, so she didn't need to justify herself to me so now I was really confused"
her response to that was take all the space I need.
Now I happen to know from Dad directly that she demanded to see the grand kids and that she wouldn't initially speak to him on the phone. I also know that he hung up on her at least twice because she wasn't making sense. The girlfriend also told us directly that the messages to the kids were weird and she couldn't let them see them.
Now dad isn't perfect. Growing up he was as toxic as mum is with the really aggressive temper and he almost lost all three of us because of that. His relationship with elder sister is still very fraught. But he realised what he did and tried to change. He's far from perfect but honesty was never the issue with him and i trust what he says. Mother on the other hand is proven to lie and bend the truth to suit herself.
And now I'm thinking that enough space would be 100 years or 10000 miles. She may have been physically ill, but that doesn't account for her mood changes, accusations and lies. How can I have a relationship with her until she seeks help for her dependency and mental health issues? And why do I still feel like the guilty one
two days ago after I asked the mother for space, I got another text 3 hours later.
"last text and then I will give you as much space as you want. As Twin told me to leave you both alone I assumed perhaps wrongly that she and you had talked and that it was a joint decision. All I have done was try and get help when I was sick with a temp that was causing hallucinations (are you sure it was the temp mum) For obvious reasons this scared me but the doc reassured me that it was normal in the circumstances and told me to take more para which I have done, my temp is lower but i still feel very ill and am just waiting up til I get my tablets before going back to bed. I thought that once the doc spoke to you things would improve, important sorry if i confused you with Twin. You must decide what you want , am i is to contact you again and if not is it because you need space or like twin have decided you no longer want contact at all. I will do what ever you want not because I want to but because you ask me"
My response was that twin was being really supportive telling me that it was between her and mum and that I shouldn't take sides but keep contact. But that mum was insisting I pick. And i asked her agin to give me space which she agreed to. That space lasted a total of one hour and then
"Your dad has denied saying or implying that I harassed him at the weekend and knows nothing of my supposed texts to Dad's Girlfriend which I still have. She texted thanks for Nieces presents and i told her that i hoped they all had a very happy Christmas. I said I had to cancel Nanny's visit amongst others as I was ill. She replied with good wishes for my recovery and spoke of the kids enjoying the presents. That was all! I assumed dad told you this but he says no. If not him it can only be dad's girlfriend, whoever did is lying and clearly has an agenda of their own. (last sentence makes no sense) Important detested by a"
My response was simply that I asked for space so why did you send me this
"sorry meant devastated by this! I have proven that I am physically ill and I totally deny the allegations, now you have has much space as you need"
I told her I had never accused her of anything, just asked for space, so she didn't need to justify herself to me so now I was really confused"
her response to that was take all the space I need.
Now I happen to know from Dad directly that she demanded to see the grand kids and that she wouldn't initially speak to him on the phone. I also know that he hung up on her at least twice because she wasn't making sense. The girlfriend also told us directly that the messages to the kids were weird and she couldn't let them see them.
Now dad isn't perfect. Growing up he was as toxic as mum is with the really aggressive temper and he almost lost all three of us because of that. His relationship with elder sister is still very fraught. But he realised what he did and tried to change. He's far from perfect but honesty was never the issue with him and i trust what he says. Mother on the other hand is proven to lie and bend the truth to suit herself.
And now I'm thinking that enough space would be 100 years or 10000 miles. She may have been physically ill, but that doesn't account for her mood changes, accusations and lies. How can I have a relationship with her until she seeks help for her dependency and mental health issues? And why do I still feel like the guilty one
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
I really can't talk to you
No really, i've actually lost my voice and haven't been able to talk to anyone in two days. Despite this I still went to work as new sickness policy is very harsh. Lots of miming and emails and notes being waved.
So when I was at the Housing managers Team Meeting / 1:1 apparently my phone went of twice, both times it was mother upset and demanding to speak to me. Beloved Deputy who has enough shit to put up without my family, foolishly answered my mobile and called Twin. Mother then phoned twin and gave her the full show. Twin asked for more details and mother hung up. Twin called her back, got no response. Twin eventually texted and basically told mum she didn't believe it was all physical and there would be some mental issues and she needed to calm down.
So I text mum on the side being all impartial and ask whats wrong, apologising for the text as i can't speak and then coughed up something vile. At lunch, remembering that i can't talk, get a call from mum's mobile. Answer and in my strongest whisper say 'Hello' Mum passes me to some random clearly uncomfortable doctor who says she has a kidney infection and he is giving her antibotics. I whisper my thanks and he passes the phone back to Mum. She says nothing but i hear her shouting at the doctor that she shouldn't have to do that whilst hanging up the phone.
So i update the twin, my voice which was gradually coming back now completely disapeared by the end of that call. I then text mum and say
"Mum thank you for getting the doctors to call me. i've let Twin know. I don't know why he called though. all i asked was what was wrong. if you have an issue with twin speak to her. sorry for the text but as you heard i have little or no voice"
Response "The doc has gone, he left me a prescription for amoxicillan. i should not have to ask a doctor to confirm that i am physically ill. i would not have called either of you but i have a very high temp and felt very ill indeed. twin said that i harrased your dad on Saturday. we spoke am when he said he woul bring them down pm. i thanked him and asked if i could speak to them. he said yes and after speaking to them I again thanked him. When they came down I immediately gave him tea and biscuits and tried to chat to him as well as the kids but he was withdrawn and unresponsive. when the kids were distracted by speaking to big sister i asked if he was ok. he said he wasn't feeling great. i have only seen him behave like that once before which was a few months after we moved to Scotland. He was missing life in Belfast and wasn't sure he had made the right decision, moving us here. there is obviously something bothering him. I think him and KBig sister may have had words xxx"
I told her thats not what I heard but not getting invoved. I actually heard from da and his girl friend that Mum had phoned at eight and woken up the whole house but would not speak to Da and then insisted later that he brought the kids round as they were only there to see her and then taked a load of nonsense at him and the kids. he said he hung up on her twice. he said she didn't look ill.
Anyway my nuetral ground lead to the following text and yes its a long one.
"I just read your text. important sorry but i got a sticker of a text from Twin not long before the Doctor came insisting once again that I was mentally ill and that my previous bug was non exisitent and that i was making up this illness too when I really needed help for my obvious mental illness. This doc didn't know me from Adam but he had read my notes and said that the infection hadn't responded to the trimethoprim so he was giving me amoxicillan to try and clear it. He refused at first to talk to you saying that this was not his role to get involved in family disputes. I told him that Dr Yu had spoken to big sister and he then agreed to tell you what i had been treated for. I done this twice now and important never doing anything so humiliating again. I want you and twin and big sister to believe me but if anyone doesn't then tears too bad. I have had one physical illness after another this winter and everything I have said about it is true. I've just been according to the doctor unlucky. Please forward my texts to twin as i have to try and figure out how to get antibotics xxx ps important really sorry you are ill have you got an appointment with doctors?"
My response was that I had been forwarding her texts an I was going to the drop in surgery the next day.
Kept twin up to date who suggested I again say i wasn't taking sides and to take things up with twin. she has been really supportive with me continuing contact with mum this whole time, even if she doesn't want to herself.
Next message from mother
"I have stuck to our agreement with Big sister, Do you and twin want to continue with this? I only ask because twin is no good at faking it as suggested by big sister. I know that you first loyalty is to twin so I need to know how things stand. twin made it clear in harrased text that i was to leave you both alone. I am really upset. To have been ill so much and feel as physically bad as i do at present is hard enough without being scared to contact my daughters."
My response "How am I supposed to answer this. I'm trying to remain neutral and feel like I am getting pulled in 20 directions at once. I don't know. Give me some time please "
So what do i do now, what do i do
So when I was at the Housing managers Team Meeting / 1:1 apparently my phone went of twice, both times it was mother upset and demanding to speak to me. Beloved Deputy who has enough shit to put up without my family, foolishly answered my mobile and called Twin. Mother then phoned twin and gave her the full show. Twin asked for more details and mother hung up. Twin called her back, got no response. Twin eventually texted and basically told mum she didn't believe it was all physical and there would be some mental issues and she needed to calm down.
So I text mum on the side being all impartial and ask whats wrong, apologising for the text as i can't speak and then coughed up something vile. At lunch, remembering that i can't talk, get a call from mum's mobile. Answer and in my strongest whisper say 'Hello' Mum passes me to some random clearly uncomfortable doctor who says she has a kidney infection and he is giving her antibotics. I whisper my thanks and he passes the phone back to Mum. She says nothing but i hear her shouting at the doctor that she shouldn't have to do that whilst hanging up the phone.
So i update the twin, my voice which was gradually coming back now completely disapeared by the end of that call. I then text mum and say
"Mum thank you for getting the doctors to call me. i've let Twin know. I don't know why he called though. all i asked was what was wrong. if you have an issue with twin speak to her. sorry for the text but as you heard i have little or no voice"
Response "The doc has gone, he left me a prescription for amoxicillan. i should not have to ask a doctor to confirm that i am physically ill. i would not have called either of you but i have a very high temp and felt very ill indeed. twin said that i harrased your dad on Saturday. we spoke am when he said he woul bring them down pm. i thanked him and asked if i could speak to them. he said yes and after speaking to them I again thanked him. When they came down I immediately gave him tea and biscuits and tried to chat to him as well as the kids but he was withdrawn and unresponsive. when the kids were distracted by speaking to big sister i asked if he was ok. he said he wasn't feeling great. i have only seen him behave like that once before which was a few months after we moved to Scotland. He was missing life in Belfast and wasn't sure he had made the right decision, moving us here. there is obviously something bothering him. I think him and KBig sister may have had words xxx"
I told her thats not what I heard but not getting invoved. I actually heard from da and his girl friend that Mum had phoned at eight and woken up the whole house but would not speak to Da and then insisted later that he brought the kids round as they were only there to see her and then taked a load of nonsense at him and the kids. he said he hung up on her twice. he said she didn't look ill.
Anyway my nuetral ground lead to the following text and yes its a long one.
"I just read your text. important sorry but i got a sticker of a text from Twin not long before the Doctor came insisting once again that I was mentally ill and that my previous bug was non exisitent and that i was making up this illness too when I really needed help for my obvious mental illness. This doc didn't know me from Adam but he had read my notes and said that the infection hadn't responded to the trimethoprim so he was giving me amoxicillan to try and clear it. He refused at first to talk to you saying that this was not his role to get involved in family disputes. I told him that Dr Yu had spoken to big sister and he then agreed to tell you what i had been treated for. I done this twice now and important never doing anything so humiliating again. I want you and twin and big sister to believe me but if anyone doesn't then tears too bad. I have had one physical illness after another this winter and everything I have said about it is true. I've just been according to the doctor unlucky. Please forward my texts to twin as i have to try and figure out how to get antibotics xxx ps important really sorry you are ill have you got an appointment with doctors?"
My response was that I had been forwarding her texts an I was going to the drop in surgery the next day.
Kept twin up to date who suggested I again say i wasn't taking sides and to take things up with twin. she has been really supportive with me continuing contact with mum this whole time, even if she doesn't want to herself.
Next message from mother
"I have stuck to our agreement with Big sister, Do you and twin want to continue with this? I only ask because twin is no good at faking it as suggested by big sister. I know that you first loyalty is to twin so I need to know how things stand. twin made it clear in harrased text that i was to leave you both alone. I am really upset. To have been ill so much and feel as physically bad as i do at present is hard enough without being scared to contact my daughters."
My response "How am I supposed to answer this. I'm trying to remain neutral and feel like I am getting pulled in 20 directions at once. I don't know. Give me some time please "
So what do i do now, what do i do
Friday, 4 January 2013
I don't believe your ill
My mother has finally got over the winter vomiting bug apparently. Hooray I hear you cry. But wait its only because she now has a urinary tract infection. She phoned up at 2pm today which should have been the first warning sign as we have only be communicating via text. I made the twin pick it up even though she was eating lunch.
She gets mum in full dramatic glory. " Hello Twin", pause for effect.... Bursts into tears. Explains about urinary tract infection and that she has been in so much pain the last two days. Doctor has been and left a prescription and can we please pick it up... Twin agrees reluctantly just to get her off the phone. But sets conditions. She's to leave it on the hall table and not come out as both twin and I have bad colds and don't want to risk her (or our) health. What you have the cold she says, yes says twin and Jeniflower too. Yes says twin.
So twin gets off phone and explains.
So when I texted her yesterday and she said she was much better and not in pain, was that a lie then?
If the doctor was out and knew she couldn't leave the house why didn't he get the prescription sent to the chemist who deliver? Or did she just say her daughters would do it knowing full well we had said before we are not her servants?
Given that I have told her three times about the cold, including yesterday when my exact text began "texting you between sneezes and twins coughing fits" how could she not know we were ill?
And finally when twin phoned back 20 minutes later to say we were on our way, why did she not seem upset at all, given her state not 20 minutes prior?
Hmmmmm, Mother dear I think you may be bending the truth slightly.....
She gets mum in full dramatic glory. " Hello Twin", pause for effect.... Bursts into tears. Explains about urinary tract infection and that she has been in so much pain the last two days. Doctor has been and left a prescription and can we please pick it up... Twin agrees reluctantly just to get her off the phone. But sets conditions. She's to leave it on the hall table and not come out as both twin and I have bad colds and don't want to risk her (or our) health. What you have the cold she says, yes says twin and Jeniflower too. Yes says twin.
So twin gets off phone and explains.
So when I texted her yesterday and she said she was much better and not in pain, was that a lie then?
If the doctor was out and knew she couldn't leave the house why didn't he get the prescription sent to the chemist who deliver? Or did she just say her daughters would do it knowing full well we had said before we are not her servants?
Given that I have told her three times about the cold, including yesterday when my exact text began "texting you between sneezes and twins coughing fits" how could she not know we were ill?
And finally when twin phoned back 20 minutes later to say we were on our way, why did she not seem upset at all, given her state not 20 minutes prior?
Hmmmmm, Mother dear I think you may be bending the truth slightly.....
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